Poem of the Week |2| How to Get a Pretty Girlfriend

How to Get a Pretty Girlfriend

1. When you first meet her tell her she is pretty, remind her that she is small. Watch her ribs move up and down as she inhales your words, exhaling gratitude, “Thank you.” “No one’s ever said that to me before”. Inject your compliments with poison and use the word skinny.

2. When you take her to dinner order her the salad, leave the dressing on the side. Watch as she pours self-doubt over her meal, listen as she exhales your poison back to you, “God I’m too fat” “I’m eating so much”. Reassure her, be nice; but order yourself the steak. Then use the word skinny.

3. The first time you fuck her hold her by her waist, pinch her fat and look her in the eye. Do not let her confuse this with making love; wait for her to turn out the light and use the word skinny.


4. When you catch her with your toothbrush down her throat at three in the morning, do not mourn the death of her mental health; focus on the toothbrush, hold a funeral for the bristles and adopt an air of disappointment. Teach her to be destructive in private. Drop the word skinny.

5. When it has been thirteen months and a thousand skipped meals, when you can outline each one of the vertebrae in her back with your little finger and she knows she is only flesh and bone; tell her she has never looked better. ‘Beauty is Pain’ you’ll whisper when she orders the salad, ‘Beauty is Pain’ you’ll say when she turns out the light. ‘Beauty is Pain’ you’ll scream when she clutches your toothbrush at three in the morning. Make her forget the word skinny.

6. Finally, when the process is complete and you are ready- take her off her diet of spare toothbrushes and long nights. Dispose of her. Buy a heavy hearse and write a eulogy. Remember, do not use the word skinny.