Jupiter Ascending – A Review

Have you wanted to see a film with Channing Tatum wearing elf ears and fighting a space lizard? Would you like to see Eddie Redmayne delivering lines like a half cut octogenarian constantly on the verge of orgasm? If you’ve been longing to see Mila Kunis on the run from bounty hunters that look like they just stumbled out of a psytrance rave… then I have a movie for you.

Jupiter Ascending  follows Mila Kunis’ Jupiter Jones (yes, that really is her name) as a reincarnated space princess being pursued by space baddies in the Wachowski siblings latest, having previously brought you the likes of The Matrix and Cloud Atlas. Almost everything about this is spectacularly ugly. I don’t know what gap in the market this was trying to fill. The aesthetic is half Star Wars and half homeopathy pamphlet.

The basic story could be fun but this is delivered with too much of a straight face for that. If it’s aimed at kids then the backstory, a lot of nonsense about genetics and plots within plots, will be too complex for the very young to follow. It also suffers from just having people talk about how evil the bad guys are, rather than actually seeing them do anything other than ponce about. It suffers from a touch of The Matrix Reloaded-itis with its totally unnecessary and boring ‘Why have one villain when we can have three?‘ logic. It is genuinely amazing that you could put two of the most charming actors on earth in a movie together and this would be the result.

There are a handful of well directed action scenes, although these almost exclusively revolve around Jupiter (‘Call me Joop‘) waiting to be rescued. The Wachowksi’s don’t do anything that makes Jupiter Ascending worth the two hour run time. It would be more interesting to have been on set. Then you might have observed the cast staring at themselves in the mirror as they get their makeup done. You might have seen them exhale, look into their own eyes and think ‘Why did I think this was a good idea?’

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Jupiter Ascending is out Friday February 6th. Check out the trailer below.

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