- St. Patrick originally came to Ireland to attend SnakeCon, which at that time was the world’s leading convention for snakes and fans of snakes. He was ejected from the event for allegedly harassing female attendees. Later, he claimed that his mission to drive the all of the snakes from Ireland was about ethics in snake convention journalism.
- He never brushed his teeth, not even once.
- St. Patrick tried to make the people of Ireland call potatoes PATatoes because he was an egomaniac.
- St. Patrick used to put potential converts at ease by slipping into a green smoking jacket and purring, “please, call me Patty”.
- He paid his water charges.
- He emailed David Quinn articles to his co-workers with messages like “He raises some interesting points, really makes you think!!!”
- The Irish people were initially suspicious of St.Patrick until he sat down on a chair backwards and said “let me rap at you dudes for a sec”.
- One of St. Patrick’s attributed miracles was that he managed to be the first commenter on every Journal.ie article about #RepealThe8th. His comment was usually something like “Western women have equality. Feminazis need to focus on some REAL problems” .
- His Twitter bio says that his opinions are not those of his employer.
- He had seventeen wives which is why we celebrate St. Patrick’s Day on the 17th of March.
- St. Patrick’s favourite pastime was watching pipe bands and local businessmen walk past him in the rain while wearing a leprechaun hat.
- Having lived in France for two years, when he then returned to Ireland he never shut about it. “Oh, well in France, five year olds drink wine at the dinner table,” he’d tell filth-encrusted peasants trying to scrape together enough corn to make a simple taco for themselves. They didn’t care Patrick. Nobody cared.
- St. Patrick was still expecting a laugh for saying “Winning” several years after Charlie Sheen originally tweeted it.
- His Tinder pics are all of him flexing in a woodland grove.
- If you say “St. Patrick” three times in a mirror, St. Patrick will appear and bump you on the noggin with his crozier for engaging in unchristian activities.
- While he was once walking down a muddy road, he came across a young boy. “I’m an orphan,” cried the boy. I was out gathering ancho chillies with my parents for taco night and now I can’t find them. Surely I will die if I am left out here alone.”
St. Patrick looked thoughtful for a moment then replied, “That’s not what an orphan is, dummy,” and continued on his way. The man was a dick.
- Seriously, never even heard of a toothbrush
Alan Maguire co-hosts the podcasts Juvenalia and Roast Chestnuts and is the creator of Not The RTÉ Guide (@YourRTÉGuide). He has two dogs and used to live in a ghost estate but they finished it off eventually so this part of his bio is irrelevant now.