Yes, you can sell your soul to the devil for immeasurable riches or unearthly guitar prowess but, for many, eternal damnation is too high a price to pay. Satanic deals aren’t just there for the big things in life though. The Devil offers a range of affordable deals for the desperate idiot who wants something but doesn’t want to do anything for it. We’ve found some bargains in Lucifer’s catalogue and we’re delighted to be able to present them to you here today. We’ll also be selling scratchcards later so you won’t want to miss that. I’ve just spoken to the captain and we’re on schedule to land at 18:45 local time. Buy some scratchcards. Thank you.
The Devil will give you: A taco chip with a good chilli-to-chip ratio and visually pleasing cheese coverage.
BUT: In exchange, you have to work one Saturday night a month in the Abrakebabra in the nightclub district of Hell where it’s always 3am and a fight is always about to break out but never quite does. The tension is unbearable, someone just throw a fucking punch already.
The Devil will give you: A Sex And The City box-set
BUT: Each episode is preceded by an unskippable ad which contains the whole of Sex And The City 2.
The Devil will give you: One hundred thousand Twitter followers
BUT: All one hundred thousand followers will fave, retweet, and reply to every one of your tweets, making a complete mess of your mentions.
The Devil will give you: A new season of that show you love that got cancelled too soon
BUT: It’s not the same, you used to watch it with your roommates in college, watching six or seven episodes in a row knowing you had lectures in the morning but not caring because you were independent adults, making choices together, and tonight you were choosing to drink cheap beer, and watch your favourite show, the one you all quoted, and sometimes you all even watched it with the DVD commentaries on because you knew the show so well. Now though, it’s just you in your apartment which isn’t that different to your student apartment (which is a whole other disappointment) watching new episodes of that show you loved but the actors are older, the writers are older, they’ve moved on but now they’re all back here, to please you, but you realise too late that it wasn’t the show you missed, it was your youth, and it’s gone.
The Devil will give you: An all-expenses paid trip to Disneyworld in Orlando, Florida!
BUT: You hate Disney and everything it stands for.
The Devil will give you: The Gift of the Gab
BUT: The Gab was a mischievous, orc-like figure in some pre-Zoroastrian religions. Ancient peoples believed that The Gab bestowed his gift upon the deserving by unleashing a stream of urine all over their backs while telling them it was raining. Irish people keep this tradition alive today by urinating on the Blarney Stone when the tourists have gotten back on their green buses. The recipient of this gift will be urinated upon at a time and place of Gab’s choosing. There will be no refunds.