A Slightly More Honest Dating Profile

I’m a…

Woman? Sometimes I feel like a lump but mostly, female.

What’s your relationship status?

Single, with fluctuating feelings of elation to extreme sadness towards this fact.

What’s your ethnicity?

Wow, are you really asking me this? (says the girl who consistently states she isn’t attracted to brown men… I know I’m a big fat hypocrite)

What best describes your religious beliefs or spirituality?

Eh, it’s complicated – feel like I should at least buy you ice cream or coffee or something before dumping my daddy issues on you.

What do you do?

I would also love to know the answer to this…

Aside from any children you or a new partner may already have, would you like to start a new family?

Probably not, I mean the world is a pretty miserable place to bring new life in to voluntarily. I’d be up for adoption or something. Also nothing that size is ever leaving my vagina. But on a side note I would consider having children for the purely narcissistic reason that I think my genes and your genes would make cute babies.

How often do you smoke?

Depends on how depressed I am at that point in life, smoking is a means of controlling how I slowly kill myself when things seem to be spiralling all around me. (I know, I’m just so fucking cheerful.)

How often do you drink?

*refer to above

What are you passionate about?

Other people, my writing, art, music, film, and trying to be the opposite of sad. My computer hard drive would probably also suggest I have an affinity for pornography.

What two or three things do you enjoy doing with your leisure time?

Complaining about how tired I am all the time, complaining about how I never have time to do anything despite spending countless hours in front of the TV by choice due to pure laziness, sleeping irregularly.

What are the three things you’re thankful for?

Potato waffles, microwaves, and tea.

What are you looking for in a partner?

Honestly, I’m probably not even looking for a partner. I think I was just bored.

But no seriously, what are you looking for in a partner?

Well… if we’re being honest here… I suppose I want someone who doesn’t want me. And no you didn’t read that wrong. I don’t want to be with someone who needs me – because I don’t need anybody but I definitely 150%-tainted-with-everlasting-desperation so deeply want somebody. If somebody needs me, I’d probably lose interest in the blink of an eye.

Why do you think that is?

Some would say I’m categorically attracted to assholes. I would say those that I find myself attracted to emotionally and physically I’ve met at the wrong age. Neither of us needs each other, but they don’t want me as much as I want them. Possibly why it always ends in tears.

What are three things about yourself that you would like your match to know?

1 – As much as I try to act like it and as much as I tell you that I’m shallow and all you are to me is a piece of meat, I’m always lying to you. Underneath that frosty demeanour lies the biggest sap you’ve ever met. The kind of sap that wants to spend Sunday mornings awkwardly avoiding your parents at breakfast. The kind that will probably write you the most revoltingly cheesy letters despite living 20 minutes away. The kind of sap that will change your name in their Messenger app to something couple-y like BB8 & R2D2.

2 – One day, no matter how much I deny it, I will probably fall in love with you. And it might happen sooner than you expect. And you might (definitely) not reciprocate. And that’s fine, because I’ll be in denial for most of our relationship anyway.

3 – I’m pretty fucked up but also, I’m just a regular human being with problems just like everyone else. And I sit on my high horse and talk shite but I want you to know that I’m just as lost as you are and honestly I don’t need you but I could use a fucking hand in this wilderness out here. I just want the comfort of knowing I’m not completely clueless on my own. That’s what you give me, and that’s why you’re special to me – you help me realize that there’s more to life than just me, my universe and my life – you show me that even just two people together can be a part of something bigger. And I want to thank you for that. In advance of course. I know this probably isn’t going anywhere.

Sure look. A girl can dream.

The girl of your dreams

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