A Terrible Guide To Making Disgusting Burritos At Home
Good day and welcome to How To Cook Takeaway Food At Home With Ingredients From The Local Shop. In our first instalment we take on the food that has literally and I mean literally taken over the country. Burritos! Everybody, apparently, loves burritos now and it’s not hard to understand why. Shoving an entire meal inside a piece of bread is always popular as evidenced by Ireland’s own traditional variation, the breakfast roll.
But burritos, like babies, are difficult to make at home. Cooking rice is always a pain in the arse, I always end up with enough to feed a family of six stuck on the bottom of the pan in a congealed mess. It has the consistency of melted Pritt-stick and the nutritional value of a chair leg. Same with the pork. Who has three hours or more to slow cook the bit of bacon and give it all those marinades and stuff. Then you’ve got to pull it off with a special pulling device or something I guess (I have never attempted to slow cook anything). So in a burrito craving madness I pulled the following recipe together and put it into a series of easy to follow steps because I know how you troglodytes without a flair for the culinary arts need all the information spoon fed to you (Cooking joke! :)). This recipe should give you three or four meals for less than a tenner and takes a little* over half an hour to make.
*about an hour.
Step 1
Go to the shop obviously. Get tortilla wraps, pork/beef mince (two pounds, 250 grammes, a head of it, whatever), a can or two of baked beans, rashers, black pudding, and some spuds. Only you can really know how much you’ll need and it’s not my place to judge.
Step 2
Go home. This could be the easiest or most difficult part of the whole process.
Step 3
Prep! This is the worst part of cooking, get someone else to do this if possible. Chop up your spuds, rashers, and pudding into pieces. How small you chop them is mainly up to the size of your mouth, go nuts.
Note the potato peeler for scale.
Step 4
Get your biggest frying pan and oil that mother up. Turn up the heat to high then toss in the lot of the mince. Poke it around with your spatula/fork/finger till it browns, about five to eight minutes then reduce heat. In a separate frying pan add the potatoes and fry on high.
Step 5
Once the mince is browned add the chopped rashers and black pudding. At this point you should realise that the spuds are burning and stuck to the pan. Start swearing loudly and aggressively until your partner/housemate enters the kitchen to question what is happening. Remember to take out your frustration on the potatoes not on the other person or a passing cat or dog.
Step 6
Don’t stop swearing! Turn on the oven to full power so that it’ll heat up quicker and scrape the potato into an oven tray.
Cover the potatoes with loads of spices to cover the taste of failure. Paprika, garlic and onion powder, salt and pepper and whatever else you have hanging around.
Throw them into the mince too cos it’s going to be sitting there for ages while the spuds are roasting so it might as well soak up something besides your tears.
Step 7
While the spuds are cooking you might as well go get a drink. Tea or gin are your only choices here.
Step 8
Now that you’ve calmed down and the spuds are almost done, stick your beans in a saucepan and warm them up. Put the tortillas in the microwave (take them out of the packaging first, idiot) and stick them on for about 30 seconds to warm them up. Or if someone left a George Foreman grill in the house once, hack off all that leftover fat (give it to your dog) and toss them in there.
Step 9
If you’ve followed these detailed instructions correctly, you should now have all the ingredients ready. If not, you have either burned down your kitchen or will shortly get food poisoning.
Anyways, spooge the mix from the pan into the tortilla, layer on the beans, use a tea towel to whisp away the smoke from the fire alarm (you’ve probably been doing this for most of the cooking time), and fold! If you have that George Foreman around you can stick them in there to seal it all together and not end up with it all over the place (your face).
If there’s too much just make up the extra burritos, put them in a freezer bag and… you know, put them in the freezer. 5 minutes on defrost and 2-3 minutes on high to cook through.
Step 10
Finish off the bottle of gin while stuffing your face with your delicious homemade burritos! You did it! You’re a champ!
