Advice To My Teenage Self

Dear Me,

First off, hi! I’m you, if a little thicker round the middle, and a little, well, a lot less hair! I thought I’d impart some life lessons to you, to help you on your way through this crazy, confusing, defining moment of your life. I might not know much, but I think I’ve got a little bit wiser, at least! Ha ha!

Okay, here goes…

  • Don’t be too hard on yourself, but don’t make excuses for your faults either.
  • Don’t be afraid of failing. You learn as much if not more from the smallest failure than you do the greatest victory. Embrace it, learn from it, and move on.
  • You’re right, your parents don’t always know best, and sure, they can be a pain in the you-know-what, but they mean well and they’re trying. Maybe ease off on them, don’t feel the need to talk back EVERY single time.
  • Don’t be too cut up when Deirdre Molloy breaks your heart. You get over her, and may break a few hearts yourself over the next few years. I’ll say no more! 😉
  • Do that sponsored charity bungee jump. Join that rugby team and ignore the bruises that come with it. Try the spiciest curry on the menu. Anything that you’re initially afraid or nervous about, do it, because trust me; you’ll only regret it forever if you don’t, no matter what the consequences are.
  • Don’t marry Anna. Seriously. I think she’s the one who murdered me. I can’t be sure, but it happened a week after I signed that life insurance policy and I’m almost certain she was sleeping with the spin instructor whose supplements business she tried to get me to invest in.
  • Actually, while you’re at it, maybe check out teenage Anna. Suss her out from a distance, work out whether you think she’s capable of murder, or at the very least talking that muscle-bound idiot Jody into committing it for her. If she didn’t do it, it would be a shame to miss out on all the good times we had together. Our first kiss, the trip to Paris, our children. Just give her a proper vetting before deciding whether to make your move and ask her out.
  • But if she didn’t kill me, who did? Gerard, maybe? Oh yeah, I’ve news for you, turns out Gerard hates us! He was always jealous of me and my perfect life, and he never truly forgave me for stealing Anna from him. I’m just spitballing here but what if he murdered me, disposed of my body and TOOK OVER MY LIFE?! We are identical twins, after all. It wouldn’t take that much to convince people that he was me, even Anna confused us sometimes, that’s how you slept with her in the first place. And it’d be no trouble for Gerard to disappear. It’s not like anyone would miss him, his life is pathetic and no one likes him.
  • Yes, yes that could be it. Far-fetched perhaps, but the more I say it out loud down here (I’m in hell by the way, maybe work on that not happening too), the more I’m convinced. Look into it, will you? Try and prevent him from resenting me (though absolutely still sleep with Anna after he brings her home to meet the family, it was incredible). If that fails, push him in the slurry pit next time you’re both out helping uncle Eamon on the farm. Make it look like cousin Lorcan did it.
  • Lorcan! How did I not think of Lorcan?! It could be him! He always resented me, after I pushed cousin Niall into the slurry pit and made it look like he did it. He got out of jail around the time I was murdered. He could have spent all those years planning his revenge!
  • Okay, here’s what you do. If you haven’t already, DON’T push Niall into the slurry pit, thereby preventing Lorcan from blaming you.
  • That still leaves Gerard though.
  • Okay, drown Niall, Lorcan AND Gerard in the slurry pit and make it look like Uncle Eamon did it. He’s an old man, he’ll die in prison. No danger of being revenge-murdered in THAT timeline. Then marry Anna and if there’s any sign of her cosying up to her spin coach take them for a “visit to uncle Eamon’s farm”, if you get my meaning (drown them in slurry).
  • Never give up on your dreams.

Main image via