Ancient Days: The Personal Diary of Giorgio Tsoukalos of the Hit Show Ancient Aliens
Burritos are delicious… and possibly the most ancient meal known to man. Lunch at La Azteca on East Chavez Avenue was a triumph. It was so good I got two burritos to go. Spent a few hours in a library printing some important research documents I found online. Home by 9pm. Consumed duo of burritos while examining some elongated skulls.
Been lazy with this diary lately so I’ll try to document everything. I ate at La Azteca again on Wednesday and Thursday, paying the price now. Insides are squirming like a baby Xenomorph wants freedom. Pacific ocean exploration commences tomorrow morning, have to shake these collywobbles!
Light continental breakfast. Bowels are behaving themselves, thank Osiris! Met JC (James Cameron) at submersible launch pad. He seemed annoyed by my presence. Dive went well… discovered Agartha. Argued briefly with JC after crew left. He’s impossible… but brilliant!
Couldn’t get argument with JC out of my head this morning. Found strange stains on my khakis. Burnt them for some reason. Hands are bruised. Strange urge to clean my car. Spent the morning doing just that. The afternoon was filled with food. Had three lamb tagines and two banana splits. I am alive!
JC has been missing since Saturday night. His assistant asked me what we were arguing about and why I followed his Tesla when he left the submarine pad. I assured her I didn’t know what she was talking about. Gave a lecture on my Ancient Astronaut Theory, the crowd loved it! Celebrated with a trip to Taco Bell.
Should not have had Taco Bell. JC still missing.
Had a fever dream about JC last night but I think I’m channeling actual events. He told me all about the next Avatar movies. They sound amazing. He asked me to be head extra terrestrial consultant for the rest of the franchise. I said yes. Can’t wait to begin work. At the end of my vision JC evolved as I elongated his skull with some calipers. Called his agent to discuss the project. He seemed baffled. Told him all will become clear as soon as JC returns.
JC found dead in a Motel 6 near the pier. Ate very little all day, managed to get through a hoagie before bed. A dark day for Terra.
I received an angry phone call from Neil deGrasse Tyson as I walked to the library to print off more documents. He thinks I’m a fraud and I’m destroying the work of “true” scientists. After his initial barrage I explained calmly and logically why he was wrong. He went crazy again but I was distracted by a delightful Chinese buffet I happened to walk past. Enjoyed a long afternoon in the restaurant. I invited deGrasse Tyson to join me but he began lecturing me on monosodium glutamate. Now I was furious and promptly ended the phone call. Chinese food is other worldly, surely this is the food of the Gods (Ancient Aliens)!
Flying to Hawaii for JC’s funeral. Inflight meal was adequate. Good thing I stopped off at La Azteca earlier. Two sneaky burritos after the meal. Now I feel ready to take on this funeral.
Funeral was terribly sad but everyone seemed buoyed by the fantastic food at the post-service meal. I gave a speech in which I mentioned my fantastic vision. Everyone stunned, no doubt by my abilities. I had them in the palm of my hand so decided to give them full disclosure regarding my Ancient Astronaut Theories because I am an Ancient Astronaut Theorist. Talked for over an hour. As I sat down I noticed law enforcement officers arriving.
Two baguettes and a wheel of brie for breakfast. Taken into custody by the police and questioned at length about JC. I told them about my vision. They were very interested in the part about JC’s skull elongation.
Wednesday (Final entry)
Prison breakfast was surprisingly good! Granted bail at noon and on a flight back to LA by 3pm. Enough crap! I need to contact the Ancient Aliens and get off this planet for good. Landed in LAX at 5pm and I’m fairly certain the Men In Black followed me home. They’re outside my house right now as I write this. I’m trying to contact the Ancient Aliens by burning all my belongings in the back garden. I’ve discarded my clothes. I won’t need clothes in space. I won’t need anything in space. I’m in space.
Main image via FayerWayer