My Best Guess at What Happens in Game of Thrones

I thought I better do an update of my article about Game of Thrones. The first article I did was very good and I think I guessed everything correctly, but you better check it just to make sure, and to make sure that you know what’s going on in the show so far.

Ok, so now I think maybe Game of Thrones is on series 6 or thereabouts. And it almost definitely still comes out on Mondays because Mondays on Facebook might as well be call ‘Facebook of Thrones’ am I right?

[Pause for laughter]

So, now that Game of Thrones is in series 6 or thereabouts it kind of has to be taken seriously because soon it will have the same number of seasons as The Sopranos and that was very good indeed. Game of Thrones now has more seasons than The Wire but I’d be very surprised if it was better than The Wire because it has dragons and a silly looking chair made of swords in it and come on, let’s be serious for a minute.

I think nearly everyone has died now in Game of Thrones. This means that the writer had to invent new characters (the writer of the books not the popular TV series). This is worrisome in terms of whether or not this is a great narrative series for a few reasons:

1. Where were these new characters before the other main characters died? Were they not interesting enough to take screen time from the main people? If so, is the show now more boring? Or…
2. Did they have to pretend that boring characters suddenly got interesting and therefore make the arc of their storylines unrealistic? (there are dragons and stuff but surely storylines still have to follow some sort of arc?)
3. Did they invent new characters, and if so, where were they in this world of thrones before they appeared? When America gets a new president, it’s not like some nobody just appears from behind a vending machine, they’ve probably been a public figure for many years.
4. If all the main characters were killed off, and assuming they were main characters because they were interesting or likeable, or properly evil… does this mean that the new characters have to be bigger and better like a Hollywood sequel and now all the characters are annoying over the top versions of previous characters?

Or maybe there were just loads and loads of characters and now there are fewer but they’re still good ones.

Anyway, the blonde Ice Queen lady who may or may not show her boobs all the time, whose name I didn’t know in the first Game of Thrones article, I’m pretty sure now is called Khalisi (spelling uncertain). I think Khalisi is still alive but I don’t know if she still has the Throne of Swords (or if she ever really had it) because I saw one picture of her on my Facebook feed and her face was muddy. I don’t think someone who sits on a throne of swords would have a muddy face, so I think someone probably pushed her off the throne and she landed on her face on the ground and her chair was stolen. Which is very rude.

That fella who was played by Sean Bean (006 from Goldeneye), I’m 99% sure is dead now. The chap King Joffrey who I think was very mean, is also dead now, so it probably wasn’t him that pushed the lovely Khalisi off her throne. Also, about calling her “the lovely Khalisi”, she’s very attractive as a human woman, but I think maybe she’s not as sound as I previously thought. I think in this world you have to be very ruthless to get anywhere, and so if she ever was at the top, she probably had to be very brutal at some moments in her life.

Peter Dinklage was a very big deal in this show for a while, and I think he was evil, and I don’t think he ever owned the sword chair, and I’m not sure if he ever wanted it, so maybe he’s a mercenary or assassin or something. Or maybe he is the king. Who knows? I don’t know his character’s name.

There’s someone called The Mountain in it. That’s all I know about that.

Oh, I assume he’s still alive, because how do you kill a mountain?

That girl who is in a Hunger Games film and played Anne Boleyn in The Tudors – Natalie Dormer! – is in Game of Thrones too. I’m 99% sure she’s not Khalisi. I don’t know if she’s still alive. I think she’s quite a good actress though. Maybe someone in Game of Thrones chopped her head off?

My sister met Liam Cunningham on a plane, and put a picture of herself with him up on Facebook, loads of her friends commented on the picture and they knew him from Game of Thrones so I’d be silly to assume he’s not in Game of Thrones. He’s kind of old so maybe he’s a king and maybe he has the sword throne and they’re all trying to take it from him? Or maybe he plays an alcoholic. One or the other, probably.

John Snow! He’s the big fella in this show. I don’t think he always was, but he became the big shot. But then he died. Or did he? I think that was the plot for a while: he died… or did he?

I think what happened was, he is very attractive and people liked him and he was good at wielding a sword or whatever it was he did, but then at the end of one of seasons, possibly season 5, he appears to be dead. And then everyone discussed if he was or wasn’t dead. And then it turned out that he was dead. But THEN, it turns out actually he WASN’T dead at all! Or maybe he came back to life and now he’s Zombie John Snow?

To be honest, I have no idea. But something mad happened with John Snow. Something that might be a bit silly.

While I’m on that point, I have no idea what the dragons get up to at all. I don’t know if they’re good guys or bad guys, or if there are good dragons and evil dragons, or if it’s how they’re raised, or if they’re like dogs in this world, or if they just try to keep to themselves and they keep getting interrupted by the stupid humans and dwarves and zombies and winter warriors or whatever who are all fighting over that sword throne because whoever has that is in charge and they all want to be in charge.

To be honest, if being in charge was that heavily contested, in terms of life and death, I’d probably give it miss, just go to the beach and read Lord of the Rings or something. Or maybe the chair makes you magic? I have to say, that would be worth fighting for. I really have no idea.

Oh I almost forgot. There seems to be some sort of confusion over who John Snow’s parents are? Or something along those lines. I’d love to help, but I’m not sure. His parents are probably dead, because that’s what happens in that world of thrones. But it could also be something very stupid like there’s something that lets people travel in time and he’s his own father and Khalisi is his mother or something like that.

Also, Aidan Gillen is in it. Not sure what he does. But I’m fairly sure The Wire was better.

main image via gameofthrones.wikia.com