Brilliant Inventions Which Will Surely Form The Basis Of My Legacy

I have invented many brilliant inventions. I’m not an engineer or a scientist. I’m just a regular Joe who knows what the people want but doesn’t have the technical know-how or funds to make these ideas a reality. What I do have is a collection of beer mats and napkins with dreams on them, each dream more lucrative and epoch-defining than the last. They say the sky’s the limit. Well I know that all reality is an illusion and the only limit is the limit of our consciousness.  And money. Money is a limit. Please give me money. One of these brilliant inventions will make me very rich and famous one day and  I’ll pay you back. Pay you back in exposure. Thank you.

Some Brilliant Inventions by Me, Alan

A hammer that screams whenever it hits anything

A nail that screams in harmony with the screaming hammer whenever it gets hit.

A urinal cake that screams and makes angry gurgling sounds whenever it comes in contact with urine

A candle that smells like the greatest bread you ever smelled and fresh sheets and freshly cut grass and the sea and sandalwood and Christmas and Summer and also it screams when you light it

A DVD copy of Scream that screams whenever you’re not watching it

A cheap, clean, abundant, and renewable energy source

A kettle that screams

A kettle that screams effort

Uber but for screaming

Facebook but for screaming at your relatives

Pinterest but for screaming at your mason jars

Evernote but for screaming at your old ideas

Excel but for screaming at your pivot tables

Later…with Jools Holland but Jools screams over every act

Ear To The Ground but everyone screams every time they see a farm animal

Later…with Jools Holland but everyone screams over Jools’s interviews with surly 60s musicians

Scream Genie, an ancient djinn who will enchant any three items you own so that they scream whenever you use them

The De-Screamifier, a device which stops all of your household items from screaming all the time

Screamin’ Elmo

Screamin’ Sylvanian Families

Screamin’ Lego The Hobbit

Screamo (also known as skramz) – a subgenre of emo that I created in the early 1990s as a more aggressive offshoot of the genre using short songs that grafted intensity to wilfully experimental dissonance and dynamics. It is characterised by a stronger influence from hardcore punk and the use of screamed vocals. Lyrical themes might include emotional pain, romantic interest, politics, and human rights.

Screaming but for Millennials

Screaming but for Soccer Moms

Screaming but for Earthworms

Screaming but LOUDER

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