Brilliant Inventions Which Will Surely Form The Basis Of My Legacy
I have invented many brilliant inventions. I’m not an engineer or a scientist. I’m just a regular Joe who knows what the people want but doesn’t have the technical know-how or funds to make these ideas a reality. What I do have is a collection of beer mats and napkins with dreams on them, each dream more lucrative and epoch-defining than the last. They say the sky’s the limit. Well I know that all reality is an illusion and the only limit is the limit of our consciousness. And money. Money is a limit. Please give me money. One of these brilliant inventions will make me very rich and famous one day and I’ll pay you back. Pay you back in exposure. Thank you.
Some Brilliant Inventions by Me, Alan
A hammer that screams whenever it hits anything
A nail that screams in harmony with the screaming hammer whenever it gets hit.
A urinal cake that screams and makes angry gurgling sounds whenever it comes in contact with urine
A candle that smells like the greatest bread you ever smelled and fresh sheets and freshly cut grass and the sea and sandalwood and Christmas and Summer and also it screams when you light it
A DVD copy of Scream that screams whenever you’re not watching it
A cheap, clean, abundant, and renewable energy source
A kettle that screams
A kettle that screams effort
Uber but for screaming
Facebook but for screaming at your relatives
Pinterest but for screaming at your mason jars
Evernote but for screaming at your old ideas
Excel but for screaming at your pivot tables
Later…with Jools Holland but Jools screams over every act
Ear To The Ground but everyone screams every time they see a farm animal
Later…with Jools Holland but everyone screams over Jools’s interviews with surly 60s musicians
Scream Genie, an ancient djinn who will enchant any three items you own so that they scream whenever you use them
The De-Screamifier, a device which stops all of your household items from screaming all the time
Screamin’ Elmo
Screamin’ Sylvanian Families
Screamin’ Lego The Hobbit
Screamo (also known as skramz) – a subgenre of emo that I created in the early 1990s as a more aggressive offshoot of the genre using short songs that grafted intensity to wilfully experimental dissonance and dynamics. It is characterised by a stronger influence from hardcore punk and the use of screamed vocals. Lyrical themes might include emotional pain, romantic interest, politics, and human rights.
Screaming but for Millennials
Screaming but for Soccer Moms
Screaming but for Earthworms
Screaming but LOUDER
