Dear Everyone, Re: Valentine’s

To Whom It Concerns,

I know February 14th is a weird day. People buy balloons in the shape of internal organs, they present dying plants to their loved ones in the hopes of getting some sex time and for a while everything in the world blends to a bloody sea of red.

But mostly it is the day you seem to choose to mask your inner sadness of never being held as a child and enter into some sort of vendetta against corporations for their part in creating this disgusting gruesome awful really bad not good terrible holiday. You may take this day as an opportunity to post 200 word statuses about the need to fight back against the commercialisation of holidays and warn us about the dangers of Hallmark cards eating our children and raping our mothers.

In turn I would like to take this opportunity to give you some home truths: You are actually the worst and I hope you fall over into a hole which is unexpectedly filled with lava. I then hope that your fingers and mouth melt off and you are unable to type/speak words ever again.

Everyone in the world is already aware that Valentine’s Day is commercial bullshit that is loosely based on the myth of a psychopath in nappies slaying the unsuspecting public with arrows. We don’t need reminding. This day is also not about your personal crusade to better the world from evil conglomerates. It’s about chocolate and hugs so shut your face for one minute.

Corporations are doing way worse things than providing people with stuffed little gorillas holding even littler hearts. Why do you hate everything that is good in the world i.e. tiny fake animals holding other tiny things? Do you also hate babies laughing and the smell of spring? Do you?

Please I urge you to spend your day of depression reading up on the actual problems that affect the world instead of creating ones no one cares about because John AND OR Mary never texted you back. Look, maybe sign some petitions or search the feminism tag on tumblr. The world is your volatile oyster so go inject some intelligent debate all up in that shell. I can FULLY assure you that everyone dead or living will appreciate it a whole lot more.

Lots of love,
Lauren xo