Diary of a DUP Councillor


Today was just an ordinary day in the life of a proud Ulsterman, where I began the weekly fight against the persecution of my culture and community. An incident occurred this morning where I caught my daughter listening to a chap named Ed Sheeran, who despite his ginger hair and fenian demeanour is actually an Englishman. He has a new song called ‘Galway Girl’, which advocates the unnatural and unholy relationship between an Irish person and a British person. The very thought of it required me to have a good cold shower to clear my head. Anyway. I confiscated her CDs, which means she should have no further access to this Provo pop music.


This afternoon I protested at a local event that was anti-Christian and against my values. My community has suffered wave upon wave of viscous propaganda, and it was time I took a stand. I’m talking of course about Barney the Dinosaur and his recent live performance in Belfast. I’m not surprised this secular brainwashing is around, but peddling to innocent children that dinosaurs exist when the Bible clearly never mentions them is particularly sickening. Although there’s no explicit mention about the dinosaur’s sexuality, he has that overly-friendly nature that is reminiscent of the homosexual community. He wouldn’t look out of place at a Duran Duran concert is all I’m saying.


Today I got a bit of spring cleaning done, and applied the ‘no surrender’ mindset to the stubborn stains on my worktop. One particularly Satanic stain on the couch was due to the spaghetti carbonara we had on Tuesday night. I tried bloody everything: Flash, Vanish, Cillit Bang – you name it. I was at a loss and stared in dismay at the portrait of William of Orange that lay above the fireplace. And then it hit me: what better way to get rid of the stain than to organise a march against it? So I marched up and down the living room and banged loudly on my drum until the stain was made aware that it was no longer welcome. The stain wouldn’t budge despite my efforts. He’s won the battle, but not the war!


It was another day of general housekeeping, where I decided that having a Union Jack flag outside of my house simply wasn’t enough, and instead the flag had to be displayed in flashing neon lights up on the roof of the house. I had to do this job myself, as the planning permission was rejected due to the unpatriotic nature of my neighbours. However, the job was relatively straightforward, and I only got electrocuted on three occasions. The LED lighting also means that the electricity bill could be quite expensive, so I’ve asked the family to turn off all of the electricity between the hours of seven and nine pm.


With the weekend upon us, I thought I’d go out and celebrate. So, I got out my favourite Ulsterman marching suit, kilt and drum, and marched down a few Catholic neighbourhoods in Belfast. For me, every day is Orange Order day if you make the effort. And in my view, there’s no better way to let off some steam than to paint the town orange.

Main image via irishnews.com