Previously (1,2), Paddy and B-Man, Limerick’s greatest superheroes, were suspicious of the sudden spate of beards on usually unbearded men. Their investigations led them to a craft beer bar with a viking DJ. The DJ played a song that seemed to hypnotise everyone in the bar and make their beards grow. Then the DJ spotted Paddy and B-Man and all valhalla broke loose…
“Ah great, a pub fight, been ages since I’ve been in one of these!” said B-Man as he turned to Paddy.
“The last one was at Dave the Evil Bastard’s birthday party I think. That must have been three years ago.”
“Ah how time flies” said B-Man as he heroically sucker punched a confused looking aggressor in the side of the head.
Paddy grabbed two of them by their beards and smashed their heads together. An evildoer to his right took a swing at him, Paddy dodged and hit him in the stomach. From there it devolved into chaos. Paddy and B-Man were laying the hirsute aggressors out but they kept coming. B-Man had just kicked one of them in his leathery goods area when he turned and saw the decks were empty. Looking around he saw the DJ making a run for the door. Ducking a punch to the head he slapped the attacker around the ear, grabbed him by the beard and slammed his head into a table, his oversize glasses cracking.
“Paddy! He’s making a run for it!”
Paddy looked over the heads of the oncoming attackers just in time to see the trailing end of the DJ’s hair whip out the door. He punched an assailant in the guts, he made a gurgling wheezing sound as he collapsed at Paddy’s feet. B-Man moved over to him and together they shoved and punched their way to the door. With one last mighty shove they knocked back the scrum of evildoers from the door of the pub and ran over their semi-conscious forms to the alley outside. They spotted the DJ at the end of the alley; he let a cry of surprise and ran on, turning left into a dead end.
Paddy and B-Man raced after him. As they turned the corner the DJ started flinging records at them. The records smashed off the walls sending out high speed razor sharp vinyl shrapnel. Our heroes dove to the ground to avoid it.
“You fools! You think you can stop me!” shouted the DJ “I am more powerful than you can possibly imagine.” He puffed out his chest and put his hands on his hips. “I am Doctor Viking!”
Paddy and B-Man looked up from their prone position on the cobblestone.
“Never heard of ya!” shouted B-Man.
“Maybe you haven’t but I’m sure your friend here has!” he pointed at Paddy.
“Nope” said Paddy “Never heard of you either.”
“Shut up! Shut up, shut up! I am Dr Viking and I am going to re-establish the Viking Empire with me as its King!”
“And you’re going to do that by being a DJ in a pub are ya? Smart plan.”
“Shut up!” he pressed on his watch, it beeped but nothing happened. “I am the perfect example of a thousand years of pure Viking blood! A product of Norvay’s Evil free education system, I hold advanced degrees in physics, robotics, biology and General Super Science and I vill use all of this to bring back my birthright from the ashes! A new Viking Empire and I’m starting with this silly, little town!”
“Hey! Don’t you go slaggin’ off Limerick, ya blondie bastard! Feck off back to Oslo and…” B-Man turned to Paddy, “I actually have no idea what goes on in Norway. Go back and… cross country ski? Eat seals”
Paddy had taken a pocket rollie (roll a smoke, put it in your pocket forget about it and then right when you need it, it’s there!) and was lighting it. “Err… make lots of money off oil? Eat rotten fish?”
“I vill do all of those things and even more stereotypical things once I rule this city!” At that moment there was a roar of rocket engines and four seven foot tall robots landed between Dr Viking and our heroes.
“Face the vrath of my RoboVikings!”. The RoboVikings were seven feet tall, bipedal and had horns sticking out the side of their heads. Their bodies were like medieval armour with pecs and, weirdly nipples, etched into their metal hides. They also vore… sorry, wore sheepskin underpants for some reason.
At Dr Viking’s command two of them leapt forward, engaging their rocket legs. Paddy, while slowly exhaling smoke, quickly and calmly opened portals in front of both robots. They appeared again a moment later about twenty feet up in the air, behind our heroes. flying directly at the ground. They smashed into the cobblestones headfirst and fell onto their backs.
“Owww….min jævla hodet….” They groaned. B-Man ran up to them and starting kicking them in the head, the other two ran towards Paddy. He quickly popped into a portal, emerged behind them and punched them in the back to the head “Oww! Min jævla hodet!”
Paddy turned to Dr Viking, he was seething with rage. Paddy took another drag on his rollie and tapped the ash off onto the ground.
“You shits! I’ll get my revenge! This city is just a trifling thing! You can’t stand in my way!” he pressed his watch again and the four RoboVikings rose up and rushed to his side. One of the picked him up in his arms.
“You haven’t seen the last of Dr Viking!” he shouted, shaking his fist as his wig fell to the ground, revealing a balding head. One of the RoboVikings picked up the wig then handed it back to him.
“Gagh! This is so stupid! La oss gå!”
The RoboVikings started up their rocket legs and blasted off into the night sky leaving only a trail of exhaust fumes and fading swearing behind them.
Paddy and B-Man walked over to each other and dusted themselves off. “So much for a quiet pint.” They said in unison and burst out laughing.
Our heroes walked back past the bruised and confused mob outside the pub and continued on for a proper pint, the city safe once more.