Every Brochure For Every Massive House In Ireland
Cead Mile Failte and WELCOME to Bunlordy Guest House and Events Centre!
We are so honoured that you have decided to have your wedding, gay wedding, corporate function or spiritual retreat at this idyllic and peaceful space. We hope that after a few days with us, you’ll be more relaxed and ready to admit, at least internally, that the colonial English were fierce cunts but they built some nice houses.
We hope this brochure, which we have left helpfully stacked at reception for you to fumble with while Your One sorts out your room, is a good introduction to Bunlordy and the surrounding grounds. Our staff will do their best to make sure your stay is pleasant, comfortable, and gives you a vague sense of unease about the number of unbelievably plush holiday homes built by English people in Ireland during times of extreme poverty and political strife. Not to mention “the craic”!!!!
Bunlordy’s history is a rich one. It was built in 1846 by Lord Tennyson-Strife, a prominent English aristocrat with no previous knowledge of agriculture, social welfare or indeed Ireland. Tennyson-Strife was selected by the Prince of Wales to help lead the charge against the Irish Famine after he lost a famous game of whist. Tennyson-Strife was reported to have been devastated to leave England, and responded by throwing a nearby chambermaid out the window. Now Irish couples, even gay and lesbian ones, delight in sharing the most significant moment of their lives in the home of someone who cheerily referred to their ancestors as “the scourge of the Empire and the disgrace of Europe”. History!
Is Your One still sorting out your room? Is the card machine playing up? KEEP READING!
The main house features 18 bedrooms, a ballroom, a parlour for painting horses in, a slightly smaller ballroom, a “drawing room” and a narrow closet where servants were permitted to sleep standing up in. The large iron gates you see surrounding the property were added in 1850 after a number of local riots resulted in the death of 18 members of the Irish peasant class. During the time, this was the equivalent of three English people! “Satan’s Gates” have since become a popular spot for corporate retreats looking to commemorate their weekend with a group photo.
PLEASE ASK A MEMBER OF STAFF IF YOU WOULD LIKE A COMMEMORATIVE PHOTO. THIS WILL BE ADDED TO YOUR BILL.
There are a number of facilities available to guests at Bunlordy Guest House and Events Centre, including a sauna (once a “smoke house” for meats consumed by the household!) and a steam room (once a “smoke house” for local children to be hung upside down in so Tennyson-Strife could blow smoke in their faces). Use of these facilities is free to all guests, with an additional charge for towelling robes. Use of towelling robes is mandatory.
We hope Your One is done sorting your room and you enjoy your stay at Bunlordy Guest House and Events Centre. If you feel weird about it, then so do we.
