Jungle Book: Origins (Starring Batman)

The Jungle Book, Jungle Book: Origins, Christian Bale, Andy Serkis, Gollum, Cate Blanchett, Batman, Benedict Cumberbatch, Sherlock Holmes, Mowgli, Baloo, Shere Khan, Rudyard Kipling, 2016, Jack Reynor, Caesar _ HeadStuff.org
Gollum couldn’t believe he got Batman and Sherlock Holmes to star in his directorial debut.

Did you know they’re* making a new Jungle Book movie? Well, they are. And you’ll never guess who they’re getting to make it.

In a bold, brave, possibly ingenious move they have given the project to none other than Gollum. Personally, I think he’s going to use the new power and wealth to increase his search for his precious. I think he has a severe mental disorder and the sooner someone tries to help him and stop pandering to his obsessions the better. However, this is a big deal and I wish him luck on the project.

Maybe a sign of things to come when you make such an outlandish choice for director, he has already hired Batman, Sherlock Holmes and Queen Elizabeth 1/Galadriel to star in the film. He also has Caesar from the Rise of the Apes movies, which is a good shout, I believe, Caesar looks good in a jungle. On the other hand, he’s hired Richard, despite what he did. And I’m not excluding Inspector Lestrade, I wonder how Sherlock will feel about that? Not that Sherlock should have any leg to stand on, he was probably just hired to play Shere Khan because the names seemed to match, I think this is how Gollum’s mind works. He’s also a manipulative son of a bitch, so I wouldn’t doubt that he’s going to get absolutely everything he wants, so prepare yourselves for the maddest, most schizophrenic movie of all time, due 2016.

The Jungle Book, Jungle Book: Origins, Christian Bale, Andy Serkis, Gollum, Cate Blanchett, Batman, Benedict Cumberbatch, Sherlock Holmes, Mowgli, Baloo, Shere Khan, Rudyard Kipling, 2016, Jack Reynor, Caesar _ HeadStuff.org
The star-studded ensemble cast. Caesar will feel right at home, Richard will be comfortable in the trees, Batman will make it work, Sherlock will spend his time in his mind palace… Queenie might struggle, even with that collar.

Unless, of course, he finds his precious in the meantime. I reckon if that happens he’ll just retreat back into his anti-publicity cave. So, do me a favour, if you find that ring over the next couple of years, keep it to yourself at least until the film is out, because I really want to see it.

 

*They, the powers that be, the people with all the money and power and ability to make wonderful moving image stories yet 90% of the time they choose to make stories that have already been made – granted, with more explosions.