On March the 11th 2020, I was forcibly expelled into adulthood. I stepped out of my Company Law exam feeling frazzled, defeated, and disappointed (the norm). My phone rang to the tune of 50 Cent’s Candy Shop, as I walked out of the Law Society riddled with shame. “IL TAKE YOU TO THE CANDY SHOP, IL LET YOU LICK THE LOLLIPOP”, and Caller ID notified me it was Gran. My gran, the person that housed me, clothed me, fed me and provided me with a safe space in her basement.
“OH JESS I’M SORRY NOW, BUT THE CORONA VIRUS WILL PROBABLY KILL ME AND YOUR GRANDAD. I HAVE PACKED YOUR HAVERSACK WITH SOME OF YOUR THINGS, WE ARE VERY SORRY JESS”.
Judas Iscariot lives and breathes. Carrying my hobo haversack, I entered the big bad world timidly and learnt things the hard way. Now with a chip on my shoulder, a mistrust of everyone and an icy heart, I share my top three tips and tricks to help any struggling young millennials in a similar position.
Life Hack One – Get every agreement in writing.
One of my numerous property viewings, involved meeting a culchie landlord with an askew paddy cap.
As we entered the 1000 Euro a month damp hovel, he spoke in excited riddles and tongues. “YA IT USED TO BE 700 BUT NOW ITS 1300. ARE YOU NEW TO THE MARKET?”. Never admit weaknesses like being “new to the market”, or having no money. You’ve been divorced twice, had ten homes and seven kids. You’re disillusioned and tough.
“I’LL DO YA A DEAL YEH?! IF YOU MEET ME IN BEWLEYS TOMORROW AND GIVE ME 500 EURO AND THEN ANOTHER 1000 EURO ON FRIDAY DURING THIS MONTH, THIS LUXURY WILL BE YOURS. I’VE GOT THE NUMBER FOR THE WEE – FEE INTERWEB AND ITS GOT HOT WATER AND ALL”.
“Oh thanks sir”, I said staring at the grotty walls and sink at my bed. “When will I get my lease/ license to reside?”
“EH, what’s that you’re saying?”
The Landlord subsequently changed the price four times within our twenty minute conversation, and as it approached 2.5 grand in 3 monthly instalments spread out over the space of five days I had no choice but to leave and block his number after promising to have the 1000 euro in cash at the back of the Jervis Centre Sunday morning.
Get every agreement you have in writing.
Life Hack Two – If a property is “Quaint” / “One of a kind” / “Compact” it is actually a shithole
I met the sharp, suit-clad estate agent at 1.15 sharp. He flashed me a pearly white smile and checked his golden counterfeit Rolex wristwatch. “You are on the ball Missus, you are going to love this property, it is very compact and very quaint. Has everything a working professional needs in a studio apartment”.
As we approached the high-rise tenement like flats, I noted two of the homes of our neighbours were covered in crime scene tape. “Isn’t It terrible how bad things happen to good people?!” We approached my flaky graffiti covered door”. “Salt of the earth, your neighbours. You will get on great”.
I stared across the road at my dressing gown clad neighbour who was inhaling heavily on her afternoon fag, and scowling profusely. Very salty alright.
The room itself did not have a bed but beds are for chumps after all. It did however have a “day bed” as the estate agent said, which was essentially a small old reclining armchair, for those individualistic “seventies vibes”. The toilet and sink were close to the day bed, and the compact nature of the situation meant I could wash my cutlery, use the toilet and shower all at the same time!
I pictured racoons eating my damp lonely corpse and said I would get back to him in two weeks as it seemed like a winner!
Life Hack Three – Maintain Eye Contact and strict boundaries with “lonely” landlords
I approached the tank-topped man shifting awkwardly from foot to foot, and sweating.
“Howya tis terrible hot isn’t it”. At 9pm the frosty inner-city air caused my breath to fog. We opened the doors of what looked like a converted green house, or studio apartment as they are colloquially known.
“Ya, like I plan to visit a lot just in case yeh will be lonely yano?”
“I’ll be fine”.
“NAH, BUT LIKE YEH THINK THAT BUT ALL THE OTHER GIRLS HERE WERE A BIT LONELY ON THEIR OWN. LIKE I’M THE SAME MYSELF.”
He smiled, staring intently at me. His golden-capped incisor flashed menacingly in the light. I maintained strict eye contact and his gaze started to falter.
“And what happened to the other girls Finn?”
“HAHAHA Sure the last one had weak lungs, got Rhizopus mould in her left lung. Mad eh? Must have a predisposition to that stuff. Had to go visit her a couple of times in the hospital, make sure she was ok and all that”.
I cut the one-sided sexual tension with a blunt knife. “I have a boyfriend anyway that might visit?”
“Tis a competitive market I will have to get back to ya”.
I never heard from him again.
To conclude I currently reside in overpriced student accommodation. This dilemma has not been resolved per se, but I did not wish to move from the frying pan to the crematorium as the saying goes. I have been looking into part time PLC’s in gardening/jam making/pottery etc as education should be open to people of all ages, and consequentially so too should student accommodation.