Let It Snow |2| But The Fight Is So Delightful
Read part one of Let It Snow here.
“There’s your problem,” Paddy informed the semi-circle of scientists, removing a length of pipe from the immense machine and shaking it, “the thing’s jammed up full of quarks”. The ALBA Synchrotron Light Facility, more commonly known as “that particle accelerator in Barcelona”, had been brought to a standstill a few weeks ago while the scientists and engineers tried to work out what was stopping the huge, vastly complicated machine from working. Calculations were done, tests were run, pipes were probed and in the end they gave up and called a quantum plumber, the only quantum plumber.
Paddy’s phone beeped and to the annoyance of the surrounding cluster he took it out and read the message; DR VIKING IS GONE MENTAL. SNOW EVERYWHERE, NEED HELP. COME BACK SOON AND BRING CHEAP FAGS.
Paddy tutted then looked up at the crowd, “Sorry lads, I’ve to be away now. Just get an air compressor or a vacuum cleaner and shove it in here. Should sort out the problem soon enough.”
“What!” shouted the chief scientist, who didn’t want Paddy there in the first place, “How the hell would that work? Quarks don’t hang around and jam things up! They’re sub-atomic particles; they exist for fractions of a millionth of a second!”
“Listen buddy,“ said Paddy, jabbing his finger into the chief scientist’s chest, “I’ve fixed particle accelerators from Los Alamos to Geneva, from Tokyo to Oxford and I know when a pipe’s stuffed full of quarks. Do like I asked ye and ye’ll be up and runnin’ in no time.” He was going to add “and I won’t even charge you full price” but decided against it based on the chief scientist’s demeanor and also his expensive looking tie.
Paddy quickly packed his tools away and strolled off, leaving the confused gaggle of boffins behind. Once he was outside he ducked around the side of the building and hopped through a rip in space-time back to Limerick but not before quickly popping into a tobacconists and picking up a couple of huge drums of tobacco.
There’s a knock on the warden’s shed where B-Man is angrily making a cup of tea.
“We only get a finite number of good days and they make it bloody snow!” said B-Man as Paddy entered dressed in his costume. “Will you have a cup?”
“I will yeah. What’s goin on? Place looks like Christmas in a filum.”
“Dr. fecking Viking bloody did it.”
“How?”
“Well, I was going round the park picking up rubbish and stuff, doin’ me job, when all of a sudden it starts bloody snowing! Then a couple of those bastard robots of his show up and start chasin’ everyone out of the park. I managed to knock out two of them when himself turns up and tells me it’s all his doing. Got a weather machine he says. Then he fecks off laughing like a penguin that’s got the fish!” B-Man took a sip of tea and sighed lightly. “Why’d he have to do it today? Twas lovely out.” B-Man handed Paddy his cup, hands shaking slightly.
Paddy moved closer and put his arm around B-Man’s shoulders.
“Ah, don’t worry, I’m sure the weather will be good still tomorrow.”
“You really think so?”
“Eh…”
A massive explosion sounded in the distance. The two superheroes looked at each other then ran out door. A second explosion rang out.
Paddy pointed out the main gates.
“It came from that direction, O’Connell Street!”
The costumed duo ran out of the park and down the snow covered streets; they turned a corner and stopped, facing a scene of total chaos. A bank security van lay on its side; two RoboVikings had forced the doors open and were picking up the cases and bags of cash. A bank on the corner had a hole blown in the side wall, smoke billowed outwards as another three RoboVikings emerged carrying bags of ill-gotten loot. Everywhere people were running in a panic, slipping on the snow and fleeing from the fires and evil robots. Cars were abandoned as their drivers fled on foot away from the scene.
B-Man made to run toward the chaos when Paddy put an arm out and stopped him. He turned and glared at Paddy in confusion.
“There’s too many innocent people about. If we go in there and start fighting those big metal bastards, someone could get hurt.”
“So what, we just let them get away!?”
Paddy shrugged, took a rollie out of his pocket and lit it.
“Yeah,” he said as he exhaled the dark grey smoke. “Sometimes we just can’t do anything to help.”
The pair stared morosely at the scene in front of them, people were still running away but no one looked seriously hurt. Soon the RoboVikings all met up in the middle of the wide street, high-fived then blasted off on their rocket boots out of sight.
Paddy turned to B-Man and motioned for him to follow as he walked away from the chaos and down a side street. Shops along the street were deserted and it looked like some of them were closing up for the day.
“People are too afraid to be here,” said Paddy looking around the empty street.
“That’s why we’re here! We’re not supposed to let this happen. It’s one thing doing goofy supervillain stuff but he blew up a building, people are hurt. We’ve got to stop the fecker.”
“I know, I know.” Paddy kicked at the wall. “We could call in some help?”
“Sound-Man? The Human Otter?”
“Er.. maybe someone a bit more… powerful.”
“No. No bloody Yanks coming over blasting the whole place with lasers. Did you see the state of New York after? Half the buildings knocked down and the rest of the place covered in alien guts.”
“Maybe you’re right.”
“Course I am. This is a Limerick problem and we’re the solution. We’re well used to dealing with arseholes like this Viking bastard. He’s just got the better of us today. He won’t again.”
“You know B-Man, you can actually be quite inspiring.” Said Paddy.
“Fuck off.”
