Man Tired After Valentine’s Day Drama
Including a cautionary note for the younger members of the public, warning them they should be merry – but not too merry – this Valentine’s Day.
Young Toby Tiernan of Number 43 Watson Road, Galway, is not exactly what one would describe as a ‘fellow fit for sport’ – not one of those young gentleman who is used to spending the bitter winter afternoons climbing fences, pulling up plants, and generally being exorcised from patches of private property by the adult homeowners of the area.
Friends and supporters, of which he has many, are wont to say of Master Toby, that his is a ‘sober’ and ‘contemplative’ disposition, better suited to the exercises of the mind than to those of the open air.
His critics – for a few do exist – state, rather harshly we feel, that Master Toby lacks the instinct for application, and moreover, that he has the spiritual outlook and approach to physical exercise of a ferret recovering in a darkened sickroom after a long night out.
It has even been asserted, in some circles, that Master Toby is a closet vegetarian, and that he owes his wan look and indolent temperament to a deficiency of animal protein. This charge against his character – a damning one for any Irish youth – thankfully, has never been proven, and is generally dismissed as a gross fabrication intended only to injure Master Toby’s standing in the community.
Whatever the cause may be for this preference of his for the sedentary lifestyle, it is generally agreed by all those who know him, that a spirited run over a distance of many meters would be alien to his character, and entirely without precedent in his nine year career upon this earth.
And yet, on the morning of February 14th, that is exactly what Toby Tiernan was observed doing.
Conflicting witness statements prevent our knowing precisely where this remarkable journey began.
Mr. August Endwell asserts that Master Toby was running from as far away as Seamus Quirke Road. Mrs. Anabelle McCloud, meanwhile, maintains that events only began to take shape where Canal Road meets University. What we can state with certainty, is that by the time he reached the Spanish Arch, Master Toby was attracting the attention of all whom he happened to pass.
Nor was interest confined to the person of Master Toby himself. Indeed, the aspect of the case that seemed to hold sway for those not already connected with Master Toby, personally – the ‘general audience’, as it were – was the sight of no fewer than three young ladies running in train with, some might say in pursuit of, Master Toby.
The first of these young ladies was Miss Karen Reid, a resident of Bruce Street. Miss Reid was calling loudly and angrily to Master Toby to remain where he was, and was chastising him in particular for allowing a misplaced sense of modesty to overcome what Miss Reid felt was Mr. Toby’s duty to allow the scene to be developed more fully.
One does not wish to contradict the wishes of a young lady, of course, but we cannot help but feel that Master Toby’s was the wiser course. Miss Reid’s was the look of one who would have received high marks from any Material Safety Data Sheet she might have happened to encounter.
Following closely behind Miss Reid was Miss Amber Ross, also of Bruce Street. Miss Ross was more reticent in her spoken communications to Master Toby, but what they lacked in quantity, they more than made up for in force and clarity of idea.
It was Miss Ross’ earnest wish, she stated loudly, to kick Master Toby in the shin.
Miss Ross’ sincerity in this matter is not to be doubted, since, in addition to her determined look throughout, it is known generally of Miss Ross that, despite her relative youth, she is already a regular and frequent contributor to the ‘Letters to the Editor’ section of The Guardian newspaper, as well as other, similarly earnest publications.
The last principal in line was Miss Emily Wilson, of Davis Road. Lest her position in the drama be mistaken for a relative lack of athleticism, we hasten to add, by way of vindication, that Miss Wilson was unfairly impeded in the early goings by the introduction onto the course, of a large pedestrian hazard, which emerged unexpectedly from the Tesco Metro.
Miss Wright was compelled to alter her course in order to avoid a collision, and in doing so, she fell behind Misses Ross and Reid.
We are happy to report on her behalf that by the time the party reached the Gate Lodge, Miss Wilson had already made-up most of the distance she had lost.
A Mr. Albert Murray of Nelson Street reported that the impact of Miss Wright’s shoes upon the pavement strongly called to mind that collection of sounds which an eager troop of Soviets used to make when the orders came down from headquarters to ready the Kalashnikovs.
Behind Master Toby, and Misses Reid, Ross, and Wright, a number of incidental people and pets had joined their interests. We will not give their names or descriptions, however, since we feel that their motives for acting were much the same as those of motor vehicle operators who turn their heads and stare at accidents on the shoulder of the M6.
Whether they were ultimately gratified in their wish, we cannot, at present, state, though we hope to have further updates for tomorrow’s edition. Our last confirmed report places Master Toby in the vicinity of Eyre Square. We are assured that Master Toby was still at liberty, but alas for him, the distance was closing, and it was not believed by those who observed his progress, that Master Toby would be able to defy the wishes of his pursuers much longer.
Absent a final report, we can, in the meantime, divulge the cause of this gripping human interest story.
Our informant, to whom we are indebted, and to whom we wish to publicly declare our thanks, has consented to provide us with this information, but only on condition of anonymity. We have agreed, and we are sure that the public’s initial disappointment at being denied her name will be readily overcome by the enthusiasm with which it receives her account.
‘Miss T.’ as she shall be known, stated that Master Toby’s troubles began that same morning, when certain instructions of a domestic nature, issued to him by Mrs. Tiernan, compelled the usually-retiring Master Toby to appear, momentarily, out of doors.
So that there should be no confusion among our readers, we pressed Miss T. for details, and she revealed to us that Master Toby had been asked by his mother, to put the rubbish in the bin. Miss T. maintained that Master Toby’s duties were considered to be at an end once he had accomplished that task, and that thereafter, he was free to return to other projects.
It seems, however, that his exposure to the February air exercised some immediate, and powerful influence upon the impressionable spirit of Master Toby. It caused a smile to appear on his face, and so buoyed his spirits that, rather than returning immediately inside, Master Toby determined to see more of the outside world, from which, he had, for so long, kept himself apart.
Accordingly, he set off, whistling merry tunes, and waving happily to neighbors as he passed. At some point in his journey, Master Toby happened across Miss Wright who was, like himself, an inmate of one of the local schools, and also, a member of the same chapter. Acting, no doubt, under the effect of a pleasant day, Master Toby thought it might be agreeable to both parties if the confederacy that already existed between them were strengthened, and he immediately put the idea to Miss Wright, in the form of a marriage proposal.
Miss Wright, for whom the idea of a marriage proposal was an interesting novelty, readily accepted, and the compact was solemnized by the exchange of a Double Decker for a Cadbury Dairy Milk.
Both then continued on their separate ways.
Master Toby next encountered Miss. Reed, and then Miss. Ross, and demonstrating throughout, a remarkable tenacity to maintain a single idea, he proposed marriage to each young lady in turn.
Older and wiser persons than Master Toby will readily anticipate the direction toward which this narrative is tending.
The result, we have already related.
Younger readers, we feel, will benefit by our closing with the following truth:
Modern Warfare, though indistinguishable from Modern Love in most aspects, differs from the latter on this one crucial point: only in Modern Warfare are there no restrictions limiting the number of participants who may be engaged at any one time.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
