45 years ago today, man walked on the moon for the first time. And quite frankly, it feels like everyone’s been banging on about it way too much ever since. The moon this. The moon that. Oooh, isn’t the moon wonderful? Isn’t the moon beautiful? Isn’t the moon doing a great job with all that tide business? To be perfectly honest with you, I’m sick of hearing about the moon. It isn’t all that. It’s average at best. So here are three reasons why I’m better than the moon.
Reason #1: Train Door 6th Sense. I’m quite good at knowing where the doors of a train will be before it arrives. When I get to a train station, I have an uncanny sense of where to stand so that the doors will stop directly in front of me, therefore increasing my chances of getting a seat on said train. There is no recorded evidence of the moon ever displaying such skills.
Reason #2: Good Legs. My wife assures me that I have “decent legs” and that I should wear shorts more often as they suit me. They’re “definitely” one of my “best features”. She didn’t have to say this. I didn’t ask her what she thought about my legs. This compliment was entirely unsolicited; therefore I can only assume that it’s accurate. The moon, on the other hand, doesn’t even have legs, let alone decent ones. It’s just an awkward, inelegant, limbless floating ball.
Reason #3: Parental-Techo-Patience. I am extremely patient when my Mam or Dad call to ask me how to use high-tech devices such as laptops, phones or televisions. I never get short with them and never raise my voice, no matter how frustrating the exchange becomes. Notably, I once walked my Dad through the forty-minute renewal of a Norton Anti-Virus subscription. That was my Fifth Symphony. I accept that, as the moon has no parents (that we know of), perhaps this is an unfair comparison. But I’m so good at this that it’s safe to say that even if it did have parents, it wouldn’t be able to match my blend of insight and light touch.
There are a further eighteen reasons why I’m better than the moon – each more compelling than the last. However, as one of them (#13) is ‘a sense of when brevity is required’, I won’t drag it out any further. I believe I’ve made my point. So yes, by all means celebrate the anniversary of the moon landing if you like. But maybe, just maybe, I’ve made you think about whom it is that you’re mindlessly showering with your awe and admiration. And maybe, I’ve made you question, just a little bit, whether it deserves it. Thank you.