Out Of Office
Hi, I will be out of office from literally five minutes before you sent me an email until a couple of hours after a reply from me would have be useful.
If this is regarding a project we’re working on together then you knew I was going on holiday. Why are you even sending me this? I’ve talked about basically nothing else for weeks. Do you even listen to me? No wonder we’re so far behind. You have communication problems my friend. I say “friend” but obviously I was mistaken in that.
If you work in a different department and someone told you I could answer a question about a work thing for you then sorry. Find out where I sit and ask the person that sits beside me. I can’t remember his name, I’m in holiday mode. If he doesn’t know the answer just work your way around the office in concentric circles until you find someone that can help. You might find that this brings you back to your own desk. Maybe the answer was inside you all along. Believe in yourself more.
If you’re looking for an update on what happened between Fintan and Eimear last week, you have two options. If you’re pro-Eimear, go to Lucy’s desk with a piece of gossip of equal or greater juiciness and she’ll give you the whole thing from Eimear’s point of view. If you’re pro-Fintan, you can go fuck yourself, why do you hate women? Go talk to Declan for a version of events clearly biased towards Fintan which misses several important pieces of context and completely ignores the thing Fintan said about Eimear’s fascinator at the summer party which is really the basis of all this.
If you’re Fintan or Eimear, hahahahaha that was a funny joke. What incident and disciplinary hearing and arson charges? I know nothing. hahaha.
If the sparrow flies at midnight, the eagle is ready to take the lamb.
If you had one shot or one opportunity to seize everything you ever wanted in one moment would you capture it or just let it slip?
If you want to share a hilarious sexist political meme with me, please remember that I have no sense of humour and will make you explain the joke to me when I get back in front of everybody.
If you wanna be my lover, you gotta go through HR. They have policies in place. Ask Fintan and Eimear. Unless you’re Fintan or Eimear in which case I definitely know nothing. Not a thing. Can’t stress this enough.
If someone replies to your email claiming to be me, it’s a trap. Don’t tell them anything, ESPECIALLY not your favourite place to cry. This is what they want. Or else I cracked and checked my emails. Either way, don’t send a further reply. It’ll only encourage Them or me, both are bad.
Ok, see you soon byeeeee,
Alan
