Being an introvert is hard. The hardest thing in the world. Harder than a guide to string theory made of diamonds. Parties are the hardest. You have to talk to people (hard) and listen to them (quite enjoyable actually) but you can’t just do it once. You have to do it over and over with multiple people. Life is pain. It’s ok though because I’ve picked up some tricks to get you through it. Here are my party tips for introverts.
1. If you feel a conversation reaching it’s natural end (after approx. 20-30 seconds), ask the other person if you can take their coat. If they’re not wearing a coat, offer to get them a coat. Do not come back with a coat. Find a quiet corner to hide in until you’re ready for a new conversation. Bring snacks. If they see you later and ask why you didn’t bring them a coat, tell them that it’s 2016 and we’re living in a post-coat society.
2. Everybody loves a nickname. Be the person who comes up with nicknames. Good nicknames to give people include Juice, Helen, Little Pwigg, Budgie, Lou Bega, Comptroller Brendan, Riboflavin, Fergie, Big Pwigg, Seven of Nine, and Nailer.
3. Tell people that you’re billboard tycoon JC Deceaux. Everybody has always wanted to meet JC Deceaux yet nobody knows what he or she looks like. Learn some facts about billboards. Invent some if necessary. Here are some plausible facts about billboards: The first billboard is believed to have been located in the heart of ancient Persia. It was for The Spice Is Right, a discount spice retailer which had shops all over the great and powerful Persian Empire. Another fact: The shape of all billboards is based on the proportions of Charlie Chaplin’s penis. With facts like these, you’re sure to be the life of the party!
4. Listen attentively, respond thoughtfully, and ask appropriate questions when you feel like the conversation could benefit from it. This is a high-risk tactic and is to be avoided. It is beloved of extroverts and as all introverts know, extroverts are literal garbage.
5. Drink more than you feel comfortable with and watch a brand new you emerge! A sparkling, engaging you that has a witty rejoinder for every situation. N.B. If you use this tip, do not try to remember what you did when you wake up the next morning. Avoid all texts and social media. Two-Drinks-More-Than-Usual-You is a special unicorn; capturing your actions in picture or film is as good as killing you and you don’t want to kill a unicorn right?
6. Find another introvert and bond over your almost-certain mutual hatred of the loudest person at the party. This always works.
So there you have it, follow these simple tips and you’ll fly through any social situation like a a friendly, engaging airplane.
Party on dudes.
I’m sorry, I don’t know why I said “party on dudes” at the end there. I forgot to think of a good way to get out of the conversation and panicked. Always have an exit line. ALWAYS. If you internalise any of my party tips for introverts, internalise that one. Goodbye.
Oh you weren’t leaving? I wasn’t either, I just thought you were so I was…no, it’s just that you were saying you needed a drink and…no, I’m fine, I have loads left in mine. Oh, well if you’re sure. I guess I’ll just wait here by myself until you get back and then continue talking to you for as long as it takes us both to finish our new drinks. Cool. I can do that. That gives me no anxiety whatsoever. Nope.