Pure Awkward |11| The Truth About Brody


How’s tricks? Some evening now, huh? Jesus, I’m glad to get away now to be honest. The girls are at me all day about taking a shower. They won’t stop on about how much I stink. That’s fine and grand for them but I’m not as anal about getting into the shower fifteen times a fecking day. What is it with women and cleanliness? I think they’d prefer if we fellas were pure invisible.  You can’t eat a fecking piece of ham and they are circling about you ready to wipe down a surface. They can’t relax. I don’t have that problem. I can’t understand uptight people. I think its people who have jobs that are stressed, like. That’s why I don’t mind being unemployed. All that stress is unhealthy. And with my weight, I wouldn’t be able with the pressure, like. I could have a heart attack. Anyway, I can’t cope with the heat. How are ye coping? I’m not able. Tis’ all well and good with the summer but sure, we aren’t built for it.  Sure, it isn’t my fault I get the sweats, like. I’m a growing man. Women are always talking about sweating but then if a man sweats, we get grief over it. I’m allergic.

What’s the craic with ye? Any news from Ballyphehane? What? What are you looking at? Ah Jesus, are you serious? Which one is it? Kate? Has she long hair? Has she spotted us, do you think? Ah, Feck. I’m not free to be myself for even a second inside in that house, let me tell ya. It’s like prison.

“Brody, come on now, don’t make me shout. Get inside!”

“Jesus. Do you see what I have to deal with here, like?”

“Brody, I swear to God. Will you get inside?”

“Have you ever seen the likes of it? Treated like this? Seriously like, I should call someone.”

“Are you seriously ignoring me right now?”

“Here. Women are pure difficult. If we run off she probably wont follow us.”


“I haven’t a moments peace. Pure needy, like.”

“Brody, come on. I’m really not in the form.”

“I wish she would just get off my back.”

“Brody, I’m serious now. Will you just come in? I’m not chasing you around the fecking green!”

“Here lads. She is minus craic. I better strike off before your wan has a feckin’ kitten.”

“Come on, inside now! Brody? Anna has the dinner ready for you. Come on. It’s starting to rain!”

“Brody, you are such a bad bastard. Do you hear me? Having me run across the green like an eejit and the whole park looking at me! Jesus. I’m in my pyjamas’, like. You actually drive me mental. When we get inside now there will be no treats. Do you hear me? No treats now for the evening. I’ve bought unreal stuff as well.”

“Sure, I don’t even care.”

“Don’t you bark at me! Don’t you dare!”

“I do what I want.”

“Tis only worse your attitude is getting. Do you know that? I bet other people don’t have to deal with the likes of this with their dog. I bet they all do as they’re told and they don’t have the owner looking like a complete eejit. Do you hear me? You need to change your attitude.”

“Ye are lucky to have me.”

Main image via Stephen C. Webster