Pure Awkward |7| Jim

Story lad? I’m after having some weekend. Kate’s new fella Jim is after coming around to stay for the weekend. The boyfriend is grand, like. He would chat away. I only love to get a bit of male company inside in our house, sure you know what it’s like for me! I’m surrounded by women, like. The atmosphere is pure stressful, like. Anna and Ellen are allergic! Well, they won’t say they are but I think they are. Women get pure emotional over things like that. They are always talking about him when Kate isn’t there. Tis’ all one big competition after the next. I can’t keep up, like. They are talking about not wanting any man and then, the next thing, there they are watching the likes of The Notebook and bawling over your man, Ryan Gosling and how handsome he is and how lucky your wan is to have him. Listen lads, they are pure odd.

Anyway, we decided then that we would have a Chinese. I was only delighted lads’. Tis’ like fecking prison inside in my house. Ye know, I am forever on a diet, like. Anyway, Kate got pure odd with me because I took a bit of the boyfriend’s chicken sour. Jesus, I didn’t realise he was that stingy, like. He wouldn’t give ya a fecking chicken ball if you were dying on the side of the road, I’d say! I was only looking a bit of his sweet and sour sauce, like. Christ. Maybe one chicken ball. Holy Jesus, he’d want to chillax! Anyway, after that disaster, twas’ pure awks then sitting inside in the room with them. They were pure lovey-dovey on the couch and I was pure awkward on the armchair. I always sit on the couch and I was a bit put out to be honest with ye, lads’. Do you know how you just have your own seat, like? Tis’ pure comfortable now because it has your own ass groove on it. I was sickened then when he was sitting there, in my arse groove, like. Sure, he was all cozying up with Kate and I was trying to watch the movie. When you’re watching a thriller you have to keep informed, like. There’s no way of following it. I’m there, like a fool, trying to be polite. I mean why do I have to be polite, like? I’m in my own house and tis’ like I’m the guest! He comes in and sits down in my arse groove on my couch and he’s shifting the face off Kate and I’m supposed to just sit there. Nobody thinks about me, like. How am I supposed to feel?

At one point then I sat down beside them on the couch, like. Sure I was trying to watch the film and I couldn’t see it properly from the armchair in the corner. Kate got pure odd with me. I could feel it coming off her in waves. She was raging. Your man, Jim, he didn’t seem to mind me sitting there, like. He was grand about it. Sound as a pound, that fella. I was trying to watch the film and then they started shifting again beside me. Shifting like! And me in the room! Beside them! I didn’t know where to look. I noticed that he had left his chicken balls on the table, so while they were busy eating the face off each other, I snuck a couple of chicken balls in. Well, you’d think Kate would be busy enough shifting your man to notice, but I should have known, she’s pure like a hawk and she caught me out! She was raging! She started giving off to me in front of Jim. Like I was a child! What’s a couple of chicken balls to help ease the awkwardness of shifting in front of your housemate, like?

I didn’t think they would mind me being there, like. Apparently they wanted to be alone. Ellen told me that the next day. Sure they were the ones who said they we’re getting a Chinese and watching a movie. They didn’t say, only we are invited in the front room, the communal living space. I swear to God, I can’t keep up. How the hell was I to know I wasn’t to be there? I’m like a feckin’ traveller in my own home, like. Am I not free to live my own life, like?

I’m allergic.

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