Scandal! Footballer in Marriage Shock!

The future of Manchester Divided star and England international Dwayne Kick is in doubt after shock revelations last night that the 26 year old has “never cheated” on his wife.

This isn’t the first time Kick’s remarkably unremarkable behaviour has gone unnoticed after he attended a party last year, at which he was not photographed doing drugs, starting fights or groping a girl half his age.

Kick is also thought to be the celebrity at the centre of the “Bookgate” scandal, where a celeb took out a super super super injunction to prevent it being made public that he’d taken out a super injunction to stop the paparazzi releasing photos of him reading a book on the grounds that it would “mega fuck up” his career.

The team’s manager didn’t comment on whether or not Kick will be kicked to the kerb, but has made his discontent known. “The players’ private lives and what they don’t get up to in the privacy of their own injunctions is none of my business,” he said, “but something like this just brings the whole game into disrepute.”

One of Kick’s teammates though, was more understanding. The unnamed footballer, who has taken out an injunction to prevent his name and photo being used in any paper but the Star (which won the bidding war for the rights to all his upcoming sex scandals), said that Kick should be given another chance. “Look, the kid’s a bit special, it ain’t his fault. He passed all his exams at school and you can’t expect someone like that to just get it. He obviously didn’t understand what we meant when we told him it was his job to score.”

Fans aren’t as ready to give Kick another chance, with many of them describing the news that Kick was a perfectly normal bloke with a monogamous sex life as “sickening.” “I’ve really gone off him,” one stated. “You just can’t like someone who’s that likeable.” “Come on, no one wants a role model anymore,” complained another fan. “Does he really think we want to like famous people? It’s like reality TV never even happened.”