Denis O’Brien is not a popular man. We would even go so far as to say that he is an unpopular man. Harsh words, we know, but we’re nothing if not straight talkers here in the humour section of HeadStuff.org. Denis O’Brien is an Irish billionaire. So why then doesn’t he act like an Irish billionaire. Irish billionaires should be fun and twinkly-eyed and wear the most fabulous Aran jumpers in existence. If Denis O’Brien wants us to love him then he needs to change. We’re quite dim here in the humour section so we’ll leave analysis of what Denis O’Brien did or didn’t do to some other section. What we’re concerned with is what Denis O’Brien can do to improve his public image. Without further ado, here are our suggestions.
In Order To Make Ireland Love Him, Denis O’Brien Should:
Marry Amy Huberman
Marry Brian O’Driscoll
Marry the latin grooves of Santana with the rock sensibilities of Rob Thomas of Matchbox 20 to create an unforgettable pop fusion masterpiece
Do a shot-for-shot remake of the Jenny From The Block video starring Denis as J-Lo and Michael Lowry as Ben Affleck
Dress like Chandler in season one of Friends. Say things like “Could I own any more media outlets?”
Use some of his billions to become Iron Man
Use some of his billions to make every day Rex Manning Day
Use some of his billions to make Netflix region-free
Drive one of the small cars on the Toy Show. Crash into Ryan Tubridy’s foot because he’s too busy waving at Michael Noonan in the audience
Carry a very cute puppy everywhere he goes. Name the puppy An Injunction Against RTÉ. Say things like “who wouldn’t want An Injunction Against RTÉ? Look at his little face!”
Lip sync battle against Vincent Browne
Fund the creation of Ireland 2, an exact replica of Ireland located near Malta that we can all move to for tax purposes.
Gain a reputation as the prankster of the Bilderberg Group, playing the old “soot on the telescope” trick on the Koch Brothers, putting a whoopee cushion on Bill Clinton’s chair, that kind of thing.
Pay every chipper in Ireland to make their chips free for the rest of 2015
Bring back Fade Street
Bring back Blackboard Jungle
Release an absolute banger with Zayn
Appear on stage with Ed Sheeran
Call out Iggy Azealea
Beef with Azealia Banks
Start a twitter account where he posts pictures of teddy bears.
Have spaceship races with fellow billionaires
Build Jurassic Park.
Stop suing people.