Don’t panic. They say that when you fall down a well the first two seconds are crucial. By the time two seconds have passed you’re probably at the bottom of the well and can begin planning your escape. If you’re not at the bottom of the well then either one of two things has happened:
1) The well still contains water and you’re floating. This is good! You’re probably close to the top of the well. there’s a good chance that you can just climb out and then you’ll have no further need for this guide.
2) You’re still falling. This is bad. If you’re still falling after two seconds then this might not be a well at all. It could be any number of things like a large hole, an underground cave system,a hellmouth, a wormhole, or some kind of unknown hole yet to be discovered by holologists, or hole experts as they’re also known (not to be confused with Holeologists, who have very strong opinions about whether Kurt Cobain actually wrote Live Through This).
Ok so fifteen seconds have passed and you’re still falling. If this was a well then you’d definitely have landed by now. You would also be dead from a fifteen second fall. At this point, fifteen seconds in, you need to come up with a plan. You can’t just stop falling now. You’re literally in too deep. Unless you’re in a wormhole in which case depth is meaningless. Try flapping your arms to slow your descent. Is it working? It’s impossible to tell because it’s so dark here. The entrance to what we’ll optimistically refer to as the well is just a bright dot now. Keep looking at it, keep looking at the light.
This article was supposed to help people who’d fallen down a well. To be honest, I was just going to tell them to shout until someone came along. Your situation is much more intriguing. I’m here with you for however long it takes to land wherever you’re going to land.
Five minutes! You’ve been falling for five minutes. It takes four minutes to fall from Mount Everest and you’ve been falling for five minutes. Is it warm? If you were falling into the centre of the earth it would probably be getting hot by now what with all the magma and such. Do you think this has happened to many people before? Surely, we’d have heard about them right? There would be stories in the papers with headlines like “I Fell Towards The Centre Of The Earth For Five Minutes And Lived To Tell The Tale”. I’ve never seen a story like that. You’re going to be fine though. I’m here with you.
Hang on, how am I here with you?
OH GOD I’M FALLING TOO. I’M COMPLETELY UNPREPARED FOR THIS I’VE ONLY EVER STUDIED FALLING IN AN ACADEMIC SETTING I’VE NEVER ACTUALLY DONE IT MYSELF. MY SUPERVISOR IS GOING TO BE SO PISSED AT ME. I CAN FEEL THE WIND RUSHING PAST MY FACE SLOWLY FALLING DOWN A WELL FASTER THAN A CANNONBELL. WEEEEEEEEE.
Ok, so we’ve both been falling for twenty-seven minutes. It’s safe to assume that we’re not on Earth anymore and that we’ll be falling forever. We need to make a new life here in the wherever we are. I think we should have a good cathartic cry for about twenty minutes and then figure out what you’re supposed to eat as you fall through an endless void. I don’t suppose you have any strong opinions about the level of Kurt Cobain’s involvement in the writing of Live Through This do you? Me neither.