Hello. My name is Ellen and I for one think there just aren’t enough sports tournaments for straight men out there! I have decided to remedy this by hosting the first ever Straight Man Olympics. The only criteria are that you are a straight man, and can provide some top class BANTER. Here is the sequence of events and activities.
Craft Beer Naming
Can you, a straight man, come up with some rugged and STRONG names for your favourite hops based beverages? In 2011, Sergei Lavorov took the gold with WolfBeard Weissbier and James Hennessy nabbed silver with AxeBrew IPA. Could you be crowned the victor this year?
Suppressing Your Emotions
This is one of the most tense, nailbiting events of the tournament. Contestants are goaded into confronting their issues by smashing drywall, remaining stoic and silent, or taking part in nuclear warfare. The man who sheds no tears, whose voice remains uncracked shall emerge the winner.
Pretending To Know About Cars
Put the Axle in the Carburettor and fire her up to 50 watts and she’ll be good to go! Do you understand any of this? No? Well this is the event for you Sonny Jim.
Stealing Women’s Ideas
This is the longest running tournament in the Straight Man Olympics’s noble history. Many female scientists, philosophers, comedians, and artists would argue it’s actually something called ‘The Patriarchy’ but what would those dumb bitches know amirite?
Exaggerating Weekend Exploits
Did you really drink twelve cans of Tyskie and reject Mila Kunis while riding a Pegasus down Camden Street? Of course you did.
Competitors see how many people they can uncomfortably brush knees with on every form of public transit in a 6 hour playing period.
Talking Loudly on the Phone on Buses
Does everyone on the 27 need to know about your swollen prostate? OF COURSE!
Crying At Shawshank
Morgan Freeman and Tim Robbins’s friendship in The Shawshank Redemption is the most beautiful thing in the world and if you don’t sob at this one you’ll be banned from the Games for life, you pussy! Tim Robbins dug a hole for eighteen years but the real hole he was digging…was friendship.
The Olympic Stadium is filled with male best friends who compete against each other to embrace in non-commital, strangely violent ways!
Reading Biographies of Footballers
A speed reading contest for the footie fans (all straight men)
Being Devil’s Advocate
Social justice groups speak to the stadium about feminism, racism, and pay inequalities while big strong men tell them why all these things are actually……*SPOILER ALERT* good!!!
Acting Like You’re Being Forced To Get Married
How many times can you use the phrase ‘ ball and chain’ before your fiancée Just Leaves One Day?
Taking Things Too Far
Why your impersonation of the Pakistani Man in your office can actually win you GOLD!
Asking Why Things Are Offensive
Be ready to explain that if a joke is offensive but doesn’t affect you, it’s JUST FUNNY DUDE!
Not Taking A Hint
This is a nighttime event and the winner needs to be rebuffed by the same woman in a club or bar setting at least five times in two hours.
Expecting Hugs From All Women
Competitors must wait until the end of a house party and hug every woman as she leaves even if she tenses up a little like a plank of wood with hair.
Deleting Their Search History
Do this every night for a year instead of just using Incognito like a smart person!
Thinking They’re Looking At An Attractive Women Surreptitiously
Gold if the up and down glance lasts longer than three minutes and she leaves due to discomfort! Alriiiiight!
Acting Shady On Public Transport
To win this challenge, simply loom over a sitting woman on your public transport of choice swinging in a sinister way from the pole! Or alternatively you can strike up a conversation with someone blatantly wearing headphones.
Thinking Gay Men Fancy Them
Ask if you can move desks at work because Damian keeps giving you the glad eye and you swear he drops pens on purpose so he can watch you pick them up in your beige chinos.