Update on Street Harassment and telling people to F*** Off!

Hello, welcome to my fortnightly column. I’m now a columnist, I can add that to my Twitter bio but I won’t as I don’t want to clutter it up.

I haven’t written an article since the ‘Why Can’t All Lads Be Sound Like Hozier?‘ thing – let’s hope I can strike gold for a second time. I won’t but that’s OK, not every article will result in Joe Duffy ringing me to ask about my feelings.
I’ll just tell you what I’ve been up to…

Street Harassment Update

A young lad tried to intimidate me by cycling on the path towards me with his mates, laughing. I pushed him off the bike. I felt delighted until I realised he was very young; we’re talking probably still-sleeps-in-a-space-patterned-duvet young. What followed was a row where I was referred to as “Mrs” outside Lidl while people walked on bemused.
I was hoofing lip balm on to my mouth on Dame Street. You know when it’s so dry you can taste the blood? So you shovel as much cream as possible like your mouth is a rice cake and this balm is guacamole you just put on enough to make it bearable? Anyway, this prick and his fellow prick-in-arms passed me by and said, “Sexy lipstick hweh hweh hweh”. I told him to f*** off and got my bus. I’m learning to take care of myself, dear reader, I want you to know I’m OK. I’ve got a sock full of coins ready for the next mouth breathing turd gun that says anything to me. I don’t really but I’ve been watching a lot of Death Wish lately and I’m picking up ideas to boost my confidence.

More F*** Off!

Alison Spittle Scream - HeadStuff.org
Possibly belting out a tune, possibly telling someone to F*** Off!!

This new year I’m going to try to tell more people to f*** off like Helen Mirren. Like when a B&B doesn’t serve breakfast, F*** off!!  You’re a disgrace to the profession, you’re just a ‘B’. That reminds me to use Trip Advisor more – the people need to know. I listened to Bridget Christie on An Irishman Abroad with Jarlath Regan while scrubbing the mold off my window; very satisfying to get enraged by the system whilst plucking scum out of a crevice with a hair clip. I want to tell the patriarchy to F*** off.

Thank god there is a new book ‘The Life Changing Magic of Not Giving a F***‘  by Sarah Knight. I was asked to review this for Breakfast Republic on 2fm. I was so afraid of saying the F-word on air, it’s on in the morning – children are eating their Cheerios sweetly while their loving parents watch on with protective gaze shielding them from the dark, dark truth – I’m not the person to tell them and this wasn’t the time so I used substitute words: fig and feck. It was too close to the edge, I couldn’t risk it. I couldn’t do the sharp intake of breath like I’ve burnt my tongue that I do to rap songs:

You know what the Midwest is? Young and restless
Where restless WHISHT might snatch your necklace
And next these WHISHT might jack your Lexus
Somebody tell these WHISHT who Kanye West is

So I thought about what is the polar opposite of F*** in sound and sensibilities?
Don Conroy.
What the Don Conroy are you talking about?
For Don Conroy’s sake!
Get the Don Conroy out of my house!
I’m going to Don Conroy you up outside Supermacs!

It just works, so here is my review:

The Life Changing Magic of Not Giving a Don Conroy by Sarah Knight

Don Conroy - HeadStuff.org
Who has two thumbs and doesn’t give a Don Conroy? Source

Are you stressed out, overbooked, and underwhelmed by life? Fed up with pleasing everyone else before you please yourself? It’s time to stop giving a Don Conroy.Sarah reveals why giving a Don Conroy about what other people think, is your worst enemy – and how to stop doing it; how to sort your Don Conroys into four essential categories; simple criteria for whether or not you should give a Don Conroy (i.e. “Does this affect anyone other than me?”); and the two keys to successfully not giving a Don Conroy without also being an asshole. So, get rid of the mental clutter, ditch the perfectionism and create the life you want – for good.

This is a great book. I’ve never given a Don Conroy most of my life; I wear what I like, I go to weddings and give a picture frame and a homemade card with no money in it because I didn’t ask to be invited to sit down drinking soup while your asshole colleague says, “Are you the comedian? Tell us a joke”, while you’re scooping out the soft bit out of a bread roll in the hope of making a savoury Ferrero Rocher.
When my band, The Glitter Babes, broke up before our big audition for Star Stream, a talent show on The Den in the early 2000s, I didn’t give a Don Conroy and auditioned as a solo artist – and when I didn’t get through I didn’t give a Don Conroy.
And when I was asked to review this book, I didn’t give a Don Conroy so much so that I just looked up a review on Amazon and read that out on air.
Which I think is true to the spirit of the book.

Alison plays the Laughter Lounge this weekend 28th-30th. She is also getting a lift off her mam on the Friday to headline the Final Fence in Mullingar. The Alison Spittle Show with Mark O’Halloran and Louise McSharry, records in the Workmans’ on the 26th of February.