Studies I quote with no reference state that the PUA (Pick Up Artist) industry is the fastest growing amongst horny singles living in your area. As such, we present a new lifestyle guide to increase traffic amongst the manipulated male demographic*.
The PUA industry teaches those who are not boys but not yet men how to successfully navigate that tricky minefield we call “having a conversation with a human”. By scripting routines and scenarios that have the semblance of conversation but were decided months or even years ago, you too can have the same facile indicators of personality and humour of a below average open-mic comedian.
* We have to because Alan Maguire is bankrupting us by always bidding high on eBay auctions of Point Horror books “to show he likes them more than anybody else”.
Anyway, enough preamble, let’s go!
So You’ve Decided To Become A PUA
Congratulations young Padawan on making the decision to start your journey to becoming the sort of man that makes women go “Well, he was fucking annoying”. I know, I know, you’re not used to this sort of language but that’s what happens when you become A MAN, language is coarse and hair grows out of your butt.
It’s a lonely road becoming a PUA, your friends distance themselves because you’re unable to have a non-scripted conversation, women look at you with a mixture of confusion and pity and your parents worry that you’re spending all your money on hats.
But ignore all of that! The great thing about becoming a PUA is that every conversation becomes like a Choose Your Own Adventure, except every choice ends in the death of the soul. Let’s start with the basics:
Ha ha, no, not can openers, although these are canned responses!!¿! What we’re talking about here is how you’ll annoy the first of the many women you’ll pester on a night out. “DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC?” is a good one for beginners to yell in a dance club because it shows you have confidence if not an ability to judge social situations.
An opener should get their interest and also leave space for them to reply while you try to remember the next thing you’re supposed to say. “What’s the best way to get rid of a body?” is a bold opener, it says you’re mysterious but also like hiking in the woods alone, eventually. But maybe start with something less divisive. One of my favourites is “If you were a person who would listen to me, what would be a good thing to say?” It puts the ball back in their court and removes the pressure of independent thought from you.
A neg is something designed to lower the self-esteem of a woman (besides a majority of things printed or written online or shouted at them as they walk down the street) but sounds like a compliment. The theory is that belittling someone makes them more likely to sleep with you, famously summarised in the saying “Treat ’em mean, keep ’em thinking you’re a piece of shit”. Example negs are “That’s a nice dress, I’ve seen a lot of women wearing it” or “You’ve got pretty eyes, they remind me of the kindness my mother showed me as a child before I formed a shell around my heart out of fear”.
A neg shows that you’re superior to the woman you want to be physical with thanks to a sentence you read on the internet.
A lot of PUA theory comes from evolutionary biology, which is ironic considering that your inability to mate without trickery should justify you not ever procreating. Thankfully, loneliness and toxic peer pressure are here to balance the odds in your favour. Peacocking is the theory that if you stand out from the crowd, women are more likely to notice you. As such, stand out from the crowd by wearing broad-brimmed hats, leather wrist-bands, t-shirts that say “If found return to pub”. You’ll certainly appear like an individual (except back at the treehouse with the other PUA trainees, where you’ll look like the reunion of some monstrous half-peacock/half-Johnny Depp family of mutants).
Look, sometimes people are not going to respond to your behavior in a positive way. Some people might say that it’s disingenuous, that your behavior is unhealthy and manipulative. We call these people jealous. Other people will say that it’s ultimately a lonely lifestyle that leaves you isolated from genuine relationships. We call these people haters. Ridiculously, some people even say that certain techniques and behaviors of the PUA community violate ethical norms, personal boundaries and the consent of the individual. We call these people the police. Either way, you’re certainly on a path to enlightenment and/or destruction. So many adventures ahead of you. So many blank looks, shitty forum posts and preparatory ejaculations so you don’t seem too eager.
But the rewards, dear reader, are great. Why would somebody not want to devote their life and lifestyle to the path of becoming a PUA?
It’s a Mystery.
This article is the first in a potentially infinite series of articles on becoming a man in this increasingly un-heteronormative world. All complaints as to the style and content will be considered and ultimately agreed with.