The Honorary Hunzo | Priority without Prejudice

The minister for Transport Shane Ross has recently amended the Public Transport Act 2016, to cater for numerous complaints nation-wide, in relation to priority seating arrangement on Buses. Mr Ross has stated that he feels the Issue of “front seat discrimination”, has now been resolved by the future implementation of a new statutory instrument that adequately deals with “any potential awkward scenario”, that may arise. 

What promulgated the need for such extensive legislation to be implemented? We decided to Interview both drivers and passengers alike to hear for ourselves what sort of disruption Priority seating arrangements can cause:

“In all my years as a driver I have endured grave suffering due to the lack of clarity surrounding priority seating. I find front seat arguments the most difficult to manage as I can’t keep my eyes on the road. Just last week we had a young wan come in, fine big lass ya know? A nice young gent, from our neck of the woods.. stood up for her.. offered her the front seat “You can’t be standing with a babbie”, he said. Well she whacked him over the head with her bag, three times for good measure till he saw stars! Let him know she was just big boned like.. With lashings of meat and gravy on them is what I was surely thinking.” – Big Jim Campbell, driver with Bus Eireann.

We live in a polite domesticated society, which strictly adheres to rules governing political correctness at all times.  Ireland has become a forward thinking island, with the repeal of the 8th Amendment and the Marriage Equality Act now in place, there is no room for discrimination on any form of transport.“ – Professor Hugh Mclaughlin, department of sociology UCD.

I never sit in the front row, you’re just living on the edge, constantly questioning who is more worthy of the seat. Is she pregnant or just fat?! Is he over 60 or a heavy smoker? Is she blind or just wearing Sunglasses for fun? My bum just hovers above the seat for the duration of the Journey and I just don’t wanna be that asshole” – Anonymous passenger Dublin Bus.

After Hearing such harrowing tales, and uncovering statistics generated by the central statistics office regarding the rise of PTSD in front row passengers (65 percent increase since 2009) we were convinced that a restorative transformation was welcome! We were glad to hear that the minister was taking such strident steps for the end of oppression on Transport.  Our legal team examined this comprehensive amendment and broke it down for our readers:

Amendment to the Transport Act 2016 – SI 1167 – Priority seating arrangements

  1. In order to cater for priority seating schemes on transport, and for the Avoidance of all future awkward moments, all passengers must clearly display colour coded badges on their clothing.
  2. This must be applied equally amongst all passengers, on all modes of transport. These badges will be made locally available in every station nationwide. Section three of this instrument outlines colour coding for ease of reference.
  3. The following colour coded chart, outlines which badge aligns with each category of passenger according to status.  This chart is also divided into less common subsections covering every possible encounter a passenger may have.

Category A – Pregnant women – three months of gestation and over, must display Pink badges on clothing

  • Women whom are not Pregnant but simply overweight – Dark Pink badge

Category B – Elderly people – 65 and over must display blue badges on their clothing

  • People whom are 65 and over but “well able to stand thank you” must wear a dark blue badge
  • People whom are Only in their 40s but who have aged terribly must wear a Sky blue badge

Category C – Disability – Yellow badges must be displayed

  • Potential yet undiagnosed ankle sprain sufferers must wear Mustard Badge
  • People whom have been wearing high heels all day and can’t cope, must wear Lemon Coloured badges
  • So hungover I am basically cathartic must wear a yellow and green striped badge

Part 4 of the scheme addresses window sticker illustrations highlighting whom is the most eligible candidate to the front row throne. Currently the window stickers just depict a rotund stick figure clutching her stomach. However It now includes a stick figure to cater for each of the above categories, to avoid any potential confusion. The above sticker extends out in a mural like fashion and uniformly covers every window of every bus. This artistic collaboration with Norwegian stick man artist “Stik”, is funded entirely on public taxes.

Overall we can conclude from this that the categorical Implementation of SI 1167, will lead to greater clarity amongst passengers, as to whether their seat is one worth fighting for.

If you want more transport gripes check out this hilarious Phoning It In episode with Kevin McGahern, Sophie Shanley, Peter McGann and John Doran

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