The Honorary Hunzo | A Deadly Sausage Sensation
Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison has recently approved of the amendment of the 1985 Animal Welfare Act. This was introduced to tackle the feral cat phenomenon, which has lately received much media attention. This plague has had a disastrous impact on the Australian Ecosystem. A study carried out by the Threatened Species Commissioner Gregory Andrews, which was approved by the Australian government, has stated that over 377 million birds and 649 million reptiles have been wiped out in a feral feline frenzy! The written testimonies of numerous civilians flooded “The Saturday Paper”, attesting to the vicious nature of the feral felines.
“I went out back to deal with the garbage, and heard some rustling coming from the dumpster. I opened up the lid, and laid my eyes on this luminous obese orange cat. He had half a hamburger in his mouth, and was covered in ketchup. He would have been about 45 or 50 pounds, round the weight of a baby ‘gator”. – Bull Crosby, manager of Ready Freddy Diner, Darwin
“I left two small toddlers on the seesaw whilst I was having a quick ciggie… when I came back all that was left was a lime green baby grow and some large pawprints in the sandpit…”- Bernie Williams, owner of Ostrich Crèche, Sydney
“I live alone with all kinds of cats. I probably have the guts of 20 cats here in my living room. I took one of the wild ‘uns home, and he attacked and ate five kittens, and all the mince in the refrigerator.” – anonymous full-time cat owner, Melbourne
Although deadly traps and mass culling did somewhat resolve the issue, the problem still persisted. Professor Dave Alger has noted that the cats were as “fast as cheetahs”, and foolhardy hunters. The professor then came up with an ingenious yet humane plan of action, which has been implemented by the Australian government in the latest amendment to the Animal Welfare Act.
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“I have created a type of delicious sausage that would be irresistible to all kinds of cat, a feline frenemy if you will. The sausage is composed of kangaroo meat, chicken fat, herbs, spices and cyanide. They’ve got to taste good, as it’s the last supper for the little feckers.” Professor Dave Alger, University of Melbourne
With the mass eradication of over 30 000 cats, and the passing of the Sinister Sausage Statutory Instrument legalising the use of the bangers, sausage sales have soared to new heights. With this in mind the professor set up Sinister Sizzlers™ or the SS for short. The company was created for the mass production of poison-laced sausages, and the eradication of unwanted species. Fredrick Alburn, member of Friends of the Earth, set up a preventative petition to bring a halt to the pending action, but so far to no avail.
Seeing an opening in the market, Slimming World Founder Margaret Miles Bramwell has introduced a similar brand of Slimming World Spicy Sausages “Salchichas”, utilising the same ingredients, replacing the cyanide with smaller doses of “Chlordecone”. The sausages were tested on a small sample group of felines with fascinating results. The death toll due to consumption dropped dramatically, and was replaced by several cases of severe diarrhoea. After a full week of subsisting on only salchichas, the small group of felines had lost over ten stone in total, reverting to their pre-kitten physiques.
Sinister Sizzlers CEO Professor Dave Alger is infuriated and feels that Ms Bramwell is being a “blatant copycat” (excuse the pun). He is due to take a “passing off” legal action against Slimming World. “Slimming World™ vs Sinister Sizzlers™” is to be heard by the Australian High Court within the next fortnight and could lead to some dramatic developments in Australia’s Intellectual Property Legislation.
