The Honorary Hunzo | Tis The Season To Be Brolly?
As I ambled down Henry Street I noted the first trappings of Christmas lingering in the air. The lights twinkled, and the chant of street stall sellers chuntering could be heard as they promoted their questionably fresh produce. Although i’d question the provenance of the unfortunate turkey victims, as albeit being plump they were suspiciously Quail sized!
“Yeh know yizzer can freeze deez turkeys for weeks so yizzer can”.
From raisin sized grapes, to blinking Christmas lights and legless half price Santas, a whole plethora of produce was available.
Unfortunately the rain, sleet, and snow tends to put a dampener on Christmas cheer. Similarly the city centre can sometimes become a little overpowering. The busy bustle smothering and sapping you of the resources, which are ultimately necessary during one of the busiest months of the year. Sometimes all one requires is to be shielded from the elements, to be given a moment to recoup amidst the madness.
This is where the common brolly comes in handy, and contrary to popular belief, it offers more than just shelter from the elements:
A. Offers Protection against Amnesty activists and Concern crusaders.
During the season of good will one is expected to donate to those who are less fortunate than ourselves. Societal pressure often prevails. Even Scrooge himself weakened, and sure enough Bob Cratchit was around eating turkey in his gaff a few days later. Nothing is worse than the moment an Amnesty activist gazes at you, and you become embroiled in a steadfast staring competition. Like a helpless wildebeest in the path of a hungry Lion, you submit to your shame. Next thing you know your monthly latte fund has significantly depleted, and you are forced to endure Kenco instant coffee for the year.
However once you invest in a sturdy umbrella, you can ward off all street workers that endeavour to ensnare you. The brolly has an excellent invisibility cloak affect which enables you to rebut their approaches time and time again. Harry Potter eat your heart out!
B. Ploughs through pedestrians
It is best to invest in an umbrella that is wide in diameter with sharp edges. You will instantaneously see the results. Crowds will disperse like the red seas parting, paving the way for you to glide down cobbled streets untouched by riff-raff or common plebs. Make room for Moses, motherfuckers! You can roam even the dodgiest of alleyways, free of fear for your bodily integrity. Move aside rambunctious rodents I will not lose a leg to Weil’s disease today! Find another victim jubilant junkie, my hand bag is no longer ripe for the nicking.
*However it is point worthy to note that should any pedestrian lose an eyeball as a result of the precarious spikes omitting from your brolly, you will be liable under section 13 of the non-fatal offences against the person act 1997 for recklessly causing serious harm. You can expect to be heavily contributing to the plaintiffs glass eye fund, or carrying out a brief stint in prison*
C. Increases your popularity
Umbrellas have often been associated with affluence, and success. As a well known proverb states “the bigger the umbrella the greater the man”. You want mahogany polished handles, cast iron skeletons, and vibrant durable outer sheaths. A wise yet costly investment leads to better results. The Queen herself has a full collection of diamond encrusted brollies, kept in a glass case, utilised to preserve her pleasant purple rinsed perm.
Overall it is readily transparent from the above that the brolly is more than just a useful piece of equipment.
Your brolly is your guardian angel. Your burly body guard. Your best friend.