The Truth Is In Here

Hello. I’d like to thank Headstuff for giving me a platform to educate you all about some fundamental truths. These days conspiracy theories abound. Almost every single one of them is wrong. But sometimes there’s a nugget of truth buried within. After all, there’s no smoke without fire. Unless you buy into that smokeless fuel nonsense.

Let’s begin. You’ve heard of Flat Earthers. Well, they don’t know what they’re talking about. The truth is the Earth is actually rounder than we’ve been told. Unfortunately I’ve no diagrams to demonstrate this. It’s actually very hard to draw. But rest assured any photographs produced by NASA are forgeries. Some people have posited that it looks like a butt*. However, and I cannot stress this enough, it definitely does not look like a butt. It’s rounder than a butt.

Now that you’ve wet your whistle, here’s the big one: there is no secret world government controlling everything. In fact, there are no governments at all. They’re a fabrication of the media. Everybody just has a job, like engineer or judge’s wig maker, and that’s how everything gets done. All the politicians you see on the TV are just actors. Reagan and Schwarzenegger were the big giveaway here. I’m still not sure what happens to taxes though.

The chemtrails theory is bullshit. Those things you see trailing behind planes? They are cloud motorways. Planes lay them out for the giants that inhabit the skies above us. It’s their only means of moving between their cloud-based cities. These thoroughfares are vital to their giant economy.

The Earth is one hundred and nineteen years old. The evidence? Nobody alive is that old. Every movie has been made since then. It all adds up. If it was any older erosion would impact the roundness and we’d be at serious risk of living on a butt.

Newsflash: you monsters have been lying to your children because Santa Claus is real. In fact there are eight different Santas. Obviously one guy can’t do all that work. You need eight guys. They each have a speciality. For instance, to access homes without a chimney one of them can turn into goo like the T-1000 or Alex Mack.

Aliens exist and have been visiting our world. Ever since the world was created in 1898, aliens have coveted our natural resources and taxes. Who protects us from this menace? The sky giants. Occasionally a stray alien will make it to the surface and this is where the Santas step in. They need something to do when it’s not Christmas. But what about at Christmas? Then it’s up to the Doctor, who is also real**.

Finally, and most gravely, we are facing an impending man-made disaster. It’s not climate change or the ozone layer. Gravity is going to go sideways. Excessive fracking has been wearing away at the Earth’s gravitational core, which is ready to snap like a rubber band. We’ll immediately fall onto the walls of our homes and offices. Anybody unfortunate enough to be outside at the time will be cast off sideways into space. This, and only this, is the reason why I haven’t left my house in six years.

* The discredited Butt Earth Theory
** While I’ve got your attention, would you like to read some of my Doctor Who fan fiction?

Main Image via