On the whole, I’m a very trusting person. Case in point: Our bathroom.

In the nine years we’ve been living at our home we have had our bathroom done twice. Both times the work has been less than top notch because my wife and I tend to trust the first workmen that come in our door who look slightly professional. For ‘slightly professional’ read ‘has a shiny van’

The first time we had it done it was so cheap we couldn’t really complain because 1) you get what you pay for and 2) it wasn’t exactly the kind of deal you could take to a third party and have a leg to stand on. In fact if you got anybody else involved you probably would end up losing a leg. As for the second time, just imagine me shaking my fist yelling ‘Why I oughta!’ like some fifties wise guy. Or more realistically, imagine me writing ineffectual letters to the workmen and crying into my badly installed bath tub, my bank account significantly depleted.

Besides this tendency to put my trust in almost anything and everyone there are some things I don’t trust.


Now, I love my iPod although there are probably a thousand reasons why I shouldn’t. I’m aware that Apple is evil, that by using their product I’m funding that evil. But, dammit, its memory is so big. All my music, podcasts and audio books in one place? It’s an audio wet dream for my teenage self who would carry multiple cassettes in his schoolbag so that he could listen to more than one album a day, or to whom the idea of shuffle was alien but the idea of all my bestest songs in one place led to many hours creating mix tapes. Lovingly drawing artwork and writing out track lists, searching through my parent’s vinyl and cherry picking the good bits for inclusion. So I want to keep on using it and to do so I put my morals on hold, in much the same way I do when I shop in Primark.

But there’s one thing I will not do until Apple cut me off altogether, and that’s update fucking iTunes.
I know that one day they will cut me off as it’s already started. I can no longer access the iTunes store, and I know the only way to get in is to re-install iTunes.

Not so fast apple I think You’re not getting me that way. I’ve pressed ‘Quit’ too many times now on the ‘Apple Software Update’ box to let you in now. As long as I can get in to iTunes itself to update my iPod you won’t break me. I’m willing to forgo the podcasts that are only available on iTunes. I can live without them – you hear me? I DON’T. NEED. THEM! And you know what else Apple? And I want Bono to hear this too. I can pinpoint the exact time I was shut out of the iTunes store, I know what finally did it. It was when you tried to force a new U2 album down my throat, that’s when. My iTunes realised it was old, it wasn’t up to speed and at that point it realised it had to shed the store to stay alive. That’s right apple. Your ‘gift’ stopped me from ever buying something from your evil store of badness ever again.

As bad as Apple are however, at least they never update something without your say so which is more that can be said for innocent little, ‘Oh, look at me, I’m Bill Gates, I’m just a nerd like you’, Microsoft.

On any PC my family has had to date we would happily let Microsoft do whatever the hell they wanted to our computer. Almost every shutdown was accompanied by the words ‘installing updates do not turn off computer’ and the subsequent switch on by the equally frustrating ‘configuring updates 1 of 50’.
I mean, what the hell are they doing to the computer that needs this many updates on a regular basis? Although we bent our PC over and let it take a daily buggering from Microsoft, I was always wondered what would actually happen to the computer if we refused to take anymore. What if we put on PC equivalent of a chastity belt and kept the thing virginal?

In the end the computer died. I believe that it was the constant, unnecessary updating of the system that ultimately led to its premature demise. What I’m implying here is that what the majority of the Microsoft updates are actually computer S.T.D.’s., and like the naive teens on your local estate we were unaware at this point you could say no, I don’t want that. We had to educate ourselves that the best prevention is protection, so when we got a new laptop the first thing I did was find out how to switch off the god damn updates. Now Microsoft keeps its grubby fingers off our laptop and its infested member in its pants, until such a point that we see fit. And guess what? Our second hand, shitty laptop still manages to function pretty well on a daily basis without some remote server shooting its digital jism down superfast cables and into our pure little OS.

The problem is now our phone is getting in on the act…