None of the plays attributed to Shakespeare were written by Shakespeare. We know this. It’s fact. The earth revolves around the sun, 2+2=4, Shakespeare was a disgusting fraud. These are the foundations upon which civilisation is built. What is less commonly known is that every single one of Shakespeare’s plays was written by a different person/group of things/collective alien entity. This week, we’ll be proving through close textual analysis that Hamlet was actually written by a murder of crows in a doublet and fake beard.
Act 1 Scene 1 of Hamlet has confounded scholars for centuries. What exactly was Francisco trying to tell poor, confused Bernardo? Early scholars posited that Francisco was stricken insensible by the sight of the ghost. Later scholars theorised that Shakespeare was engaging in a kind of proto-blank verse experiment, centuries ahead of his time. However, if you begin by assuming that Hamlet was actually written by a murder of crows in a doublet and fake beard then it all makes sense. Hark:
SCENE I. Elsinore. A platform before the castle.
FRANCISCO at his post. Enter to him BERNARDO
CAW CAW CAW CAWCAWCAW
Long live the king!
CAWCAW. CAW CAW. Cawcawcawcaw CAW!
Get thee to bed, Francisco.
If we assume that Francisco is an author-insertion character by a murder of crows in a doublet and fake beard then suddenly the secrets of Hamlet are laid bare before us. But wait, there’s more:
SCENE I. A churchyard.
Enter two Clowns, with spades, & c
Is she to be buried in Christian burial that
wilfully seeks her own salvation?
I tell thee she is: and therefore make her grave
straight: the crowner hath sat on her, and finds it
How can that be, unless she drowned herself in her
Why, ’tis found so.
We have been told for centuries that this is a comedic scene. Are you laughing? Of course not, it’s terrible. However, I once performed this scene for some crows that I
had lured to my garden happened across naturally in my garden and they loved it. Their little crow heads shook from side to side with glee as if attempting to dislodge an awkward bug from the soil. Moments later, unable to withstand the paroxysms of laughter I was inducing and having dislodged all the awkward bugs from the soil, they departed. I was surer than ever that Hamlet was actually written by a murder of crows in a doublet and a fake beard.
In Act IV Scene II the following description may be observed: Hamlet watches Rosencrantz’s chicken fillet roll intently. You know who else watches chicken fillet rolls intently? Boom. Crows.
In Act II Scene II Polonius is described thusly: Polonius hops across the room even though he could fly if he wanted to, his eyes fixed upon a discarded packet of Tayto. Hamlet hops angrily towards him even though he too can fly. At this point, if you don’t think that Hamlet was actually written by a murder of crows in a doublet and a fake beard then you need to go back to school to revise Crow Auteur Theory my friend.
In Act V Scene I Hamlet drops nuts in front of oncoming carriages in order to crack their shells, a trick known only to crows. And monkeys, but as we all know, monkeys were hard at work writing Richard III at the time Hamlet was written.
Finally, the most damning evidence of all, the final scene of Hamlet. If it was an episode of Friends it would be The One Where Everyone Except Joey Dies (Joey from Friends is heavily based on Horatio. Also, Joey from Friends actually wrote The Merchant Of Venice, but I digress).
Take a look at Horatio and Fortinbras’s initial meeting and try to convince me that Hamlet wasn’t written by a murder of crows in a doublet and fake beard
Enter FORTINBRAS, the English Ambassadors, and others
What’s with all these dead crows?
Horatio takes flight and lands on Prince Fortinbras’s shoulder
Dear reader, I rest my case.