You Might Just Be The Problem | How To Not Be The Worst Roommate Ever
Roommates are a mixed blessing, most of the time. If you’re living in a dorm, hopefully you’re assigned to someone who’s a decent match for you. If you’re on your own and paying rent, you may end up living with a coworker, classmate or some total rando from Craigslist — the trifecta of a recipe bound to go wrong eventually. Sometimes, you’re both efficient enough to figure out a system to hack your relationship, but at some point, everyone ends up being that roommate.
Roommate wars inevitably erupt when your roomie’s adorably weird habits become intolerable, like how she has to scratch the textured edge of her to-go coffee cup while thinking. Throw a dash of hypocrisy in, like how she can’t stand having two dirty cups in the sink for two days, yet leaves her paper coffee cups — complete with coffee stains — stacked on her desk. Cue the roommate wars.
Once upon a time, I thought I had the roommate from hell, but as it turned out, I was the real devil all along. My name’s Kate, and I was a sucky roommate.
It was only two cups
It all begins with admitting the truth. Well, I could have done my dishes, but she could’ve tossed her coffee cups in the trash. Sounds stupid, right? It was.
Two days isn’t bad, but chores pile up, as do bills. When you’re pressed to finish exams, do your work and show up on time, patience wears thin. The veneer of civility slips.
One weekend, I came home a little early from a visit with my family, only to discover my roommate had her boyfriend over – with her bedroom door wide open. The dishes were clean only because Chinese takeout containers had started their own stack.
She freaked out and accused me of walking in on her, and I thought to myself, “Well, I texted I was on my way.” Roommates don’t let each other see their nakey boyfriend’s weird hairy soul patch. It’s an unspoken roommate code. I was scarred. She slammed the door, and I slammed mine.
We didn’t talk for two weeks, until the rent was due. I’m a fixer, but I’m also stubborn. I get defensive, but I didn’t realize how far I could go.
Fortunately, we were both tired of raised voices and had a common goal — bills gotta be paid. We were both committed to paying bills on time, and that forced us to sit down. We were caught in a lease. Just because we lived together didn’t mean we had to be best friends.
In our talk, we both ranted and finally calmed down enough for me to sit there and listen. I felt my entire body prickle and turn stiff while she listed exaggerations of my crimes:
- “I always have to clean up after you. I’m not your mom.”
- “You always walk in like you own the place.”
- “When I try to tell you when I have company or something like that, you’re always talking.”
Slowly, her point of view sank in, and I had to admit it was mostly me all along. My failure to do some of the little chores around our place made her so frustrated she gave up and left her to-go containers out for me to stare at. I had — and still struggle with — a tendency to leap into assumptions about how people feel or what they’re going to say before they voice it. Just because I’d texted, admittedly 30 minutes before I came in the front door, didn’t mean she had seen it.
I vowed to change my ways, and we finished out the lease together. It motivated us both to redirect our energies toward what mattered in our lives: getting better careers, finishing out classes and doing the whole adulting thing. We made a cleaning schedule, developed a system for bringing dates home and improved our communication to a civil level. I’ll admit, I never got her boyfriend’s perfectly square soul patch out of my head. There are still nightmares.
Instead of opening my big mouth, I learned to catalogue my thoughts in a journal, which has been an incredibly therapeutic habit I still maintain today. Eventually, I afforded my own apartment, but the experience made me more mature. I no longer had to struggle with dirty dishes, especially since my new digs had a dishwasher installed. Yay, adulting.
You too can stop being a sucky roommate
Not everyone is perfect, and we all have gross habits. That’s no excuse when you’re disrupting the balance enough to make your roommate avoid coming home. Here are six steps you can take now to stop being the sucky roommate:
- Own your suckiness
Go ahead. Admit it. You’re an awful roommate.
- Confess and actively listen
Don’t launch into defensive tactics when talking. Set ground rules with your roommate, such as “no name calling.” Mostly, you’re here to admit you’re the ruckus-maker causing your roommate dread when coming home. It’s their home, too.
Own up to your part of it, and actively listen in case there’s something you missed. Repeat what your roomie said in your own words to show you’re listening and do care. Don’t mock or talk over your roommate.
- Find something you like about your roommate
Having something to admire about your roommate on a personal level does help. I liked the way she would always wear headphones, even though she didn’t have to — we both liked the same kind of music.
- Form a game plan
Come up with reasonable strategies for behaviors you can implement now to impact the relationship positively. What’s one big thing and one nitpicky thing you can tackle now? Perhaps it’s as simple as loading the dishwasher and giving your roommate more notice before bringing people over.
Your game plan may also be the fact that one of you has to move out because it’s affecting the friendship or positive work relationship you had before moving in together.
- Take ownership of the situation
Sometimes, your roommate doesn’t want to hear what you have to say because things have gone too far, or they like to pretend problems like your suckiness don’t exist.
In that case, you have to take matters into your own hands. That doesn’t mean being a bigger jerk. Consider fairly what will best solve the problem.
Is it getting out of Dodge? OK, but give your roommate and relevant parties proper notice.
Is it trying to be better and keep quiet? Give it a shot. You don’t have to be best friends to be civil.
More importantly, remember never to make assumptions because it makes a butthead out of you both, especially you. Don’t be the Ultimate Butthead.
- Focus on the practical
Stuck in a lease with a roommate who only speaks to you when it’s absolutely necessary? That’s not the worst thing in the world.
Leverage your ill-fated relationship to your mutual advantage. Use this as a learning experience in etiquette and civility. Focus on the practical matters of your life, and be motivated.
Sometimes you have to live with a roommate to be financially stable — it can save you a ton of money. There’s a major difference between being stuck in a shoebox dorm with a roommate and having an apartment. Roommates share territory, but you also have your own sanctuaries. Focusing on the fact that you both want to maintain your lifestyles and save money is a practical goal that will motivate you to be better people and roommates around each other. You also share utilities and groceries.
Compatible lifestyles are sometimes all it takes to make a decent roommate, and in a world of wacko Craigslist folks, it’s the devil you know that wins out in the end.
You’re the devil your roommate knows. With open conversations and a willingness to move forward for the greater good, you just may work this thing out — or take over the world. Either works.
