PIZZA GYM

I can’t stop finding pizza in gyms. Today I walked around my new (to me) Brooklyn neighbourhood to look at gyms and decide which one I would grace once a week with my sweaty presence. I got to the first one, but I thought I had the address wrong. I looked in the window and saw a man perched at reception wearing a sparkly black polo neck. He was eating a giant slice of pizza, expertly folded to allow quickest insertion. We made eye contact through the glass, I didn’t mean to, I hate when I accidentally lock eyes with someone when my mouth is full, but it happened.

 

I figured a trainer would never brazenly eat pizza on the floor of a gym, and decided it must be a hair salon. I stepped back, consulted my phone with the map and saw that my blue dot had reached its red dot, so there was no doubt – it was the gym. I went inside and said hello to Sparkle Dough and he wiped his mouth and said hello back. I asked if I could look around and he said ‘Sure – I can’t leave the desk, but you help yourself.’

 

Of course you can’t, I thought, you’re too busy with your darling pizza.

 

Anyway, I took a look around but couldn’t stop thinking about the pizza, and how I don’t eat it because it’s bad for me, but I want to eat it when I see it. What if I decided to work out here, and Glitter Toppings was always living it up at his own pizza party? I dreaded to think what would happen, but I thought it anyway. I would eat pizza, that’s what would happen. And that’s no good.

 

I went on to the next one, like Jay-Z, except I don’t mean a woman, I mean gym, remember?

 

It was a much bigger gym and in a rougher part of town, I thought to myself ‘You’ll be at home here Tough Guy’, until I went in the front door. There was a trestle table set up with seven huge boxes of pizza on it. People were milling around in lycra clothes, eating pizza. It was very confronting. Also, the place smelled like endorphins and hot bread. It smelled good and I felt confused and sort of hungry. I asked the vacant-eyed man at reception what the deal with all the pizza was and he said that once a month, they give everybody in the gym pizza. I mean, I ask you.

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