Trump’s Most Influential Advisor

There have been a lot of unfair jokes made at my expense. Really unfair. Most dead cats are just buried or cremated, but I am proud to have made it to this important position of power on top of Donald Trump’s head, where he used to only have hair. From up here, I get to see and hear everything and I am more influential on the President-elect than even his favourite white supremacist advisers. In fact, all of his best ideas come from me. Where do you think “grab them by the pussy” came from?

And now that we’re heading to the White House, I demand some respect.

The public needs to stop protesting. You’d think that we wouldn’t be able to hear it from way up high in the Trump Towers, but we can. It’s very unfair. And distracting. How are we supposed to plan the rest of the apocalypse with all that chanting about “No Trump, No KKK, No Fascist USA”? Come on! We love everyone. Especially the KKK and the fascists. Obviously. But those professional protesters keep twisting our words.

Look, I’ve been with Donald for a very long time. I can tell you he’s a great guy. He’s always looking to give opportunities to others. Take me, for example. In 1988 when Spy magazine described him as a “short-fingered vulgarian,” he took it hard. But he’s a smart businessman. So he came to me, a simple dead cat in the road, and said, “Hey! You want to make some money? Get up here on my head. I gotta distract these people from looking at my weird little fingers.” And that was the beginning of our beautiful friendship.

Of course, he still hasn’t paid me for my services. But that’s just Donald’s way. Everybody in New York knows he never sticks to his word and never pays people the agreed upon price for their work. That’s why he’s going to be a great leader for the working class. He’ll put them to work with no problem, but they shouldn’t actually expect to get paid for it. Only people born rich get to have money. Duh!

And when it comes to immigrants, let me tell you something, he loves them. Even his current wife was undocumented for a while. And I still am. But don’t let on you know or else he may have me deported along with the millions of others.

But really, he loves everyone. That’s why he wants to build a wall. He wants to protect us. And by us, of course, I mean only the super-rich white hetero male Christians. Every good businessman knows the importance of having a target audience. You’ve got to keep it small, folks. Besides, it’s not like there are that many: disabled people, women, LGBTQ, African-Americans, Muslims, Jews, or Hispanics in the U.S. – or at least there won’t be after January 20.

Donald knows how to prioritise and he knows how to win. That’s why he’s going to make a great world leader. He’ll shake hands and smile and then change the deal if he wants to. And if someone pisses him off, he’ll just make up a story about them and have it printed through Breitbart and People magazine. And if that doesn’t work he can always just start a nuclear war.

He’s tough. Really tough. That’s why he wants me to tell you to please stop picking on him. It’s really unfair. Fascists have feelings too, you know.

And if you don’t believe that dead cats can talk, well then I guess you didn’t believe that the United States Electoral College would enable an alleged sexual predator whose appointments are being lauded by the KKK and the American Nazi Party to become President either.

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