My Transition Diary #7 | Dysphoria Blues
Follow Aoife’s Transition Diary from the start here.
I hate being trans.
There.
I’ve said it.
I hate being trans. Well, today I do. Today it kind of sucks. There’s nothing special about today. It’s not an anniversary. No one has said anything to upset me. No one has misgendered me. Today is just one of those days where I feel shit about being trans.
There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t wake up knowing I’m trans. “So what?” you might think. Let me put it this way. Do you wake up every day and think “Great, I’m cis. My gender identity and body are aligned”? I’m guessing that you don’t. And that’s fine. Good for you. I’m genuinely pleased because I wouldn’t wish being trans on anyone.
Some days are better than others. Some days I’m actually okay with being trans. I feel good about being trans. Hell, I’m even proud to be trans. And then there are the other days. The days where I question everything about being trans. The days where I ask myself whether or not I’m doing the right thing. The dark days.
I used to think I was the only trans person who felt this way but on a whim I did a Twitter search for “hate being trans”. The tweets I saw were heart-breaking. Here is a small flavour.
(I’m not going to include people’s handles for obvious reasons and I have tidied up the tweets grammatically for legibility.)
“I hate my boobs can they leave I hate my body wow I hate being trans. Fuck I wish I was cis. My life could be so amazing if I were a cis male.”
“I hate being trans. I hate being trans. I hate being trans. I hate being trans. I hate being trans. I hate being trans. I hate being trans. I hate being trans. I hate being trans. I hate being trans. I hate being trans. I hate being trans. It’s ruining my life.”
“God I feel like shit. I hate being trans. No one really sees me as a guy in my family and I’m either forced to pretend being happy hanging out with the girls all the time or just awkwardly sit with the guys and try to join in on their stuff.”
“Daily reminder that I hate being trans and I hate how shirty bottom surgery options are right now.”
“I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve this but man, I hate being trans.”
“I’ve been on E[strogen] for 2 years and have had 0 noticeable changes. I hate being trans.”
“In all honesty I HATE being trans. It’s like the worst thing ever knowing I’ll never be a real boy.”
“I hate being trans so much and I just want to forget that I am or at least find another trans boy to talk to because I feel like I’m gonna explode if I don’t get some advice.”
“Reason 4081618364 why I hate being trans instead of cis: ya boi has a fucking UTI…and now I have to see a doctor…about my very masculine vaginal problem. Please execute me.”
“Lol. I wish I was a real man and I wish I was desired. Like I wish people wanted to be like me instead of pity me. Lol. I hate my body and I hate being trans. Lol. Who the fuck am I?”
“Wow I hate being trans. Can I just restart my life as a cis dude. Thanks.”
“I’ve said it before and I will say it again, I hate being trans. It causes me so much damn distress. For the people who say it’s a choice I want to punch you cause never in a million years would I wish this dissatisfaction, self-hatred and constant discomfort on anyone.”
“I want to wear my binder but it irritates my skin too much. I hate being trans. I hate being autistic. I hate being me right now.”
“As a “man” I would power through…but it didn’t do me any good. My emotions and feelsings are part of me and will go up and down as I move forward. For me it’s better to process, deal, and move on. I hate being trans and that will never go away, but I can like being me.”
“This might be the Sunday depression talking but I absolutely hate being trans. It causes so many problems and cis guys will always be bigger better and strong than me. Lolol.”
These are only a tiny fraction of the tweets that are out there. One thing I’ve noticed is that so many of these tweets are from young trans males. I can only imagine what these guys are going through. As a trans woman, the dysphoria I feel towards my body is tempered by the fact that I am sometimes able to ignore the parts of my body that are problematic. For trans men it’s so much worse.
The mother of a trans boy recently told me that her son’s body, since entering puberty, is changing and he now has deal with breasts and periods and sundry other things that constantly remind him of his gender dysphoria.
It’s a constant battle.
I have good days and I have bad days. What gets me through the bad the days is the knowledge that I am getting there. That maybe one day I won’t feel dysphoric any more. If, at some point in the future, post hormones, post surgery, post every damn thing, I look in the mirror, will I no longer feel dysphoria? Will I actually feel like a cis person? Blissfully ignorant of what it’s like for my body and brain not to be in constant battle?
I don’t actually know. I suspect I’ll always know that I’m trans. I mean, of course I’ll know. Society will never let me forget, even if my brain eventually does.
