Alan & Ellen’s Artisan Chipper

Alan & Ellen have ideas, lots of ideas. They’re renowned ideas-havers.They’ve been kind enough to share a gmail transcript showing us how they came up with their latest idea, The Artisan Chipper, which has been featured in The Sunday Business Post and was mentioned six times in Barry Egan’s last Sunday Independent column about Bono.

Ellen: As #business #strategists I think that our next target should be food. We already tried to open our Adventure Centre for Shy People and nobody came, and people just aren’t interested in our sports venture, Twitterball.

Alan: Twitterball is such a good idea though! It combines the neediness of Twitter with the unpredictability of balls. We just need to give it time. Sometimes it feels like whenever I want to try a new idea, you just come for me. I’m feeling very attacked.

Ellen: Save it, son. Anyway I was thinking what about an artisan chipper? We can capitalise on how people love chips, but also like to pretend they are better than large apes wearing trousers. What do you think?

Alan: YES. I’m thinking lots of very obscure things, but fried and served on a slate. The only utensils are a pizza cutter with a spike on the end but we won’t sell pizza.

Ellen: EXACTLY, my dude. Exactly. Garnish everything with goji berries, even the curry sauce.

Alan: Batter every food. Battered whole Atlantic lobster, with battered kale done in a battered sauce. The starter is a bowl made from batter filled with soup of the day i.e. batter mix with some coriander in it.

Ellen: And for dessert, a battered paleo creme brulé. Or a battered cheese board if you’re feeling tapas-y

Alan: And a bowl of battered mints by the door. What about spicy things? Chippers always have to have spicy things.

Ellen: Oh like spicebags?

Alan: Well yes the principle of a spicebag but with more craftsmanship. Spice parsnip. Maybe a “Spice Gateau” to appeal to Continental European customers. The Spice Spag Bag, REALLY spicy spaghetti bolognese in a plastic Tesco bag.

Ellen: Should we have a secret menu like Starbucks to make people feel special and exclusive (sunglasses emoji)

Alan: (painted nails emoji)(easter island head emoji)(train emoji) I don’t understand emoji.

Ellen: The Spice Gregory. If they ask what it is we can just laugh at them and tell them they can’t have it.

Alan: The Protestant (Unspiced)

Ellen: Oh that’s one salty take Alan. Unlike the Protestant which is incredibly bland.

Alan: U know me. No holds barred.

Ellen: The President’s Selection is what we will call children’s portion snack boxes bc of Michael D’s tiny tum.

Alan: He can come to the opening.

Ellen: I will give him a jockeyback around the premises. Maybe we should do a 1916 commemorative menu. A battered DeValera with Connolly dippy sauce?

Alan: The GPO special, enough food to get you through a bank holiday siege. The Markievicz Meal Deal. For the revolutionary on a budget.

Hear me out here, but seeing as Popcorn Chicken has been such a success elsewhere what about Popcorn Burgers? Tiny lil spiced beefs you throw in your mouth with wild abandon.

Ellen: Yes. Everyone knows that millennials are tired of chewing because it takes too much time. We’ll do Popcorn Popcorn Chicken too which is just regular popcorn chicken in a popcorn box with movie popcorn. Also Popcorn Doner Kebabs.

Alan: I really think we’re onto something with this.

Ellen: Should we kickstart it? I don’t know how this works.

Alan: We’ll have to get investors. Do you think Denis O’Brien will throw us a few bob?

Ellen: I’m not sure but just in case we love and admire you and your work so much Mr O’Brien.

Alan: You’re like one of Ireland’s ancient High Kings, but one that probably owns spy drones.

Ellen: Right, I’m going to try and recruit cool people as staff (and by that I mean go around South William Street with my large butterfly net).

Illustration by Dee McDonnell. Alan & Ellen are @alan_maguire and @incogellen on Twitter