The Honorary Hunzo | Bovine Brexiteers Stage Unique Protest in County Athlone

Irish Chief economist Rowena Dwyer has commented on the adverse economic effects a no deal Brexit may have on the Irish Beef industry.

It is a known fact that we export 50 percent of our beef supplies to the UK.If we are displaced from the UK Market, we will have to source another country to export our produce too. This is an era of immense uncertainty for the beef industry”.

Many small farms are immensely concerned for their businesses, and protests are currently taking place nation wide. However amidst protests, interesting discoveries have been sourced at “Happy Smiles”, Tourist centre in Athlone. The medium sized farm/ petting zoo has received much media attention since the cattle had started to behave in an incredibly strange yet sophisticated fashion. Mick O Flaherty, manager and owner of Happy Smiles recently spoke to local papers about the peculiar behaviour emanating from the Bovine Community of Athlone.

“I thought it was another bloody outbreak of Mad Cow, they all seemed to be mooing in unison.. and then when I listened real close like, I heard it was the British National anthem they were mooing like! It was the weirdest thing like”.

Upon hearing the news, sir David Attenborough, travelled by private jet to Athlone, in order to observe the cattle in their natural habitat. Upon taking arial footage of the farm, he noticed phenomenal occurrences taking place. The cattle congregated together in the field to create numerous images to convey various messages.

One field formation was a portrait of her majesty Queen Elizabeth. The second message spelled out NO DEAL BREXIT with an accompanying thumbs up emoji.

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Indeed, upon noticing the scent of Professor Attenborough’s lunch of tea and crumpets, three cattle bashed against the fence until Professor Attenborough was forced to share. Now the herd subsist only on troughs of tea and crumpets, refusing any of their normal Irish feed.

It would appear that the herd truly did exhibit signs of a vested interest in British Politics, as if in the knowledge most of their progeny would remain safe from steak houses and ranch dressing. However, if the above action wasn’t sufficient proof a further horrific incident occurred at “Happy Smiles” farm. Four EU exchange students visiting the centre, were brutally maimed when seven cows formed a Right wing battalion, attacking the four unfortunate victims with vicious intensity. Gunther Heidelberg, a 24 year old German student described the horrors that had unfolded.

We heard them mooing God save the queen, softly at first, but then at a deafening level. They attacked my sister Hilda first, pulling her by the plaits before sprinting towards fredrick.. I ..I’m not ready to speak of the rest”.

This vicious unprovoked attack is yet another sign of the political unrest taking place on a global level, amongst both Humans and beasts.

We wish Prime Minister Johnson the best of luck, as he negotiates his way through this difficult terrain.

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