The Honorary Hunzo | Satan’s Swing

In light of the recent Sophie’s Swing tragedy (in which a Fine Gael TD was critically injured) Taoiseach Leo Varadkar has issued a chilling and determinative statement ;

“By the power vested in me under the National Monuments Act 1994, I hereby order that Sophie’s Swing be destroyed with immediate effect”. Unbeknownst to many, the Swing in question is a restored rising relic. In fact, the memoirs of Constance Marckievicz regularly allured to marvellous moments spent on Sophie’s swing. 

“After listening to Pearse’s poetry for several hours, I was absolutely dying for a swing… He wouldn’t have a go though… Squinty eyed scaredy cat he is” 

– Page 10 of Constance Marckievicz memoirs.

The historical relic itself is over 25 foot high, with loose moth eaten ropes securing it in place. Held together by sharp nails, and rusted Iron rails, the swing is mostly utilised by daredevils, or die hard nationalists. An anonymous North-sider described the perilous perch as “An absolute death trap, you’d be lucky if it just ripped the back pocket of your jeans and didn’t pierce your buttocks as well”.

However this rusty contraption has seated almost all of Ireland’s heroes. Indeed, it was reported when Pope Pius XII gave it a go in 1912…

“He giggled in a high pitched yet churlish manner”, Excerpt from Archbishop Diarmuid Martin’s novel The Pope’s Night Out. 

The swing itself is said to have no known owner, given that the original historical creators of the swing have long since died. UnderThe National Monument’s Act 1994 ownership of the swing then reverts back to the state. “Satan’s Swing” has caused over twenty five deaths: Historically, numerous members of the Black and Tan’s were glued to the seat with a combination of hot tar and oak tree sap. They were spun around for weeks, until they developed bouts of never ending vertigo, and were too nauseous/weak to ingest a single morsel. In the Modern era alcohol fuelled dares have claimed the lives of a further fifteen victims..

In light of brave hearted Fine Gael TD’s near fatal accident, Dublin’s oldest male “Old man Jenkins”, has delivered some disturbing home truths about the swing…

“When I was a wee lad in 1920, it was said that Swing was possessed, after my da drank with other lads from the Parish, the swing growled at him and bit a chunk out of his arse, so it did!”

In order to resolve the matter, Taoiseach Leo Varadkar and the heroic Fianna Gael victim, intend to burn the swing in a private, yet formal ceremony at Saint Patricks Cathedral. The congregation of TD’s aim to simultaneously banish the swing’s evil spirit, and the absolutely “morto” damage done to the parties’ reputation…

Pope Francis is due to attend the secret ceremony, where he will be adorned with ceremonial robes, and will take part in compulsory chanting.

All of us here at HeadStuff wish them well.