The Honorary Hunzo | Mass Evacuation of Seaside Towns to take place due to Toxic Effluent

Dublin City Council has recently implemented a temporary swimming ban for seaside towns Seapoint, Dun Laoighre, and Dollymount. The ban was enforced following the release of sewage water into Dublin Bay, by the Waste Water Treatment Plant at Ringsend.

A spokesperson from “Environmental Laboratory Services”, spoke to the press this morning, regarding the water test results as received yesterday.

The acidic nature of the slick dissolved the equipment we usually utilise for testing purposes. The toxicity levels resemble results found in radioactive waste samples sourced from Chernobyl. We will all, most certainly, die”. 

This morning, locals at Sandycove beach noted a “radioactive lime green slick”, coating the sand. The slick provides an excellent nutrient source for a destructive congregation of monster rats that were beginning to rapidly multiply last year. 

Described by the Irish Times as “a large invasive species”, the rodents pose a threat to the delicate balance of the Irish ecosystem. Weighing approximately 10kg, and growing up to two metres long, the rodents are said to resemble “mutated vicious otters”. Natural historian, David Attenborough, has stated one bite from the deformed rodents, would most certainly lead to amputation of the limb in question, or would be potentially fatal for the victim.

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Green Party Leader, Eamon Ryan, has stated that over 30 million litres of sewage is dumped into Dublin Bay daily. Although the Council of the European Union has recommended the mass evacuation of citizens, (due to the ominous fumes omitting from the slick) Minister for Tourism Shane Ross, has expressly prevented this evacuation.

July is the busiest time for holiday makers in Ireland. The Tourism industry is thriving.. We must not cause mass hysteria, but rather embrace the natural beauty of this island.. Why say green slick, when you can say leprechaun juice? Why say massive rat, when you can say native seal pup? I am a glass half full kind of man” . Minister for tourism Shane Ross.

Without appropriate safeguards in place, numerous tourists have ended up in perilous predicaments. The most recent example is the UCLA student exchange sample group, who were paddling on Dollymount strand. With reports of extra toe growth, and green tinges to once tanned complexions, their journey to Ireland was certainly unforgettable.

Furthermore Hallucinations are also common amongst those whom are exposed to the fumes. French student Sylvain Belmonte, was visiting Saint Patricks Well, near Trinity College Dublin. Whilst there he swore he saw an apparition of Our Lady, dressed in her usual blue Robe..

The Mother of Christ appeared before me! She was dressed in blue, and in her left hand she was clutching, what locals refer to as a spice bag.. I have witnessed a miracle”  

French Postgraduate student Sylvain Belmonte.

Although Irish nationals have developed a form of immunity to the toxic effluent, side effects pose an imminent threat to children, the elderly, and those whom are stupid enough to swim in it. Stay safe and avoid swimming, paddling, showering or breathing close to seaside towns.